Opinion: If We’re Bringing Back Cigarettes, Why Don’t We Also Bring Back Opium?

I’ve noticed an interesting trend recently. You’re at a party, drinking your beers, sipping your jungle juice, and all of a sudden everyone is smoking a cigarette. “It doesn’t count if you’re drunk and you really want one!” they say, drawing four thousand chemicals we learned about in health class for 5 years into their lungs with a giggle. It must be the coolness factor that’s making cigarettes a thing again—it certainly can’t be the five minute nicotine high—and I think opium is way cooler than cigarettes. So why don’t we bring it back?

Smoking a cigarette is a way to honor our cultural roots, sure, but opium is even more retro and vintage. If cigs are analog vapes, think of opium as analog oxycontin. And instead of taking a drag on some guy you barely know’s balcony (lame), you get to go to a badass opium den full of blankets, good vibes, and painless, thoughtless existence (siiiiiick). What other drug has its own room?

Unlike cigarettes, opium hasn’t ever hurt anybody. Unlike cigarettes, it’s never started a war or caused a nation to fall. Opium is harmless. Of all the drugs derived from bagel seasonings, it’s gotta be in the top five. And it’s not even addictive- I’ve been smoking it every day for years and I could quit anytime!

If drunk cigarettes don’t count, drunk opium shouldn’t either.