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Report: Daily Symptom Screening Questionnaire Just Asked For Your Cup Size?

January 12, 2022 Tatiana Davidson 0

WESTWOOD — This morning, while you were filling out the daily symptom screening questionnaire, it asked you for your cup size. “We know it can […]

“PU!” And 3 Other Things Not To Say To Your Grandma At Her Wake

January 11, 2022 Lily Kiamanesh 0

There’s a fine line between witty and worrisome at important events such as the wake of your grandmother, so here are four things not to […]

Football Team Now Using Motorized Rocking Horses To Get To Campus

January 10, 2022 Gillian Smith 0

BREAKING: Humanities Student Applies To Law School

January 8, 2022 Gillian Smith 0

WESTWOOD — UCLA has once again distinguished itself as a prestigious university following a groundbreaking move by history major Daniel Pelzman, who defied societal expectations […]

2,022 Things To Look Forward To In 2022

January 7, 2022 Robi Chatterjee 0

2021 has wrapped up and we are now in a new year. Change can be scary, so here is a list of 2,022 things that […]

4 Reasons Why You Don’t Deserve To Register In That Class You Need To Graduate

January 6, 2022 Don John 0

You really thought you were out of here. How naïve you were, going on your Class Planner, just begging for a spot to open up […]

Report: Use Of Word “Unprecedented” Spiking

January 5, 2022 Enabler Staff 0

SEATTLE — As the Omicron variant ravages through the country, top language researchers have noticed a second surge of the word “unprecedented.” “It’s as if […]

Breaking! Ackerman Bathrooms Got Cleaned!

January 4, 2022 Gillian Smith 0

WESTWOOD — In a historic first for UCLA, Ackerman Union’s A-Level bathrooms were cleaned on Sunday in anticipation of students not returning to campus. “We […]

Abstract Painting Not All That Impressed By You Either

January 3, 2022 Brandon Wang 0

LOS ANGELES — Sources told the Enabler Tuesday that the abstract painting you saw wasn’t all that impressed by you either. “Yeah, my four-year-old could […]

Nicki Minaj Fan Disillusioned Upon Learning Starship Delivery Bots Not Meant To Fly

December 31, 2021 Robi Chatterjee 0

WESTWOOD — Tears could be heard after avid Nicki Minaj fan Barbz “Bang Bang” Bass kicked a delivery bot down Tongva steps only to realize […]

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  • Woke Mother Performs First Successful “Straight Conversion Therapy”

    WEST HOLLYWOOD — On Tuesday, local woke mother Dorothy McBeal celebrated the results of months of grueling treatment as her first and only child finally […]

  • two skeletons kissing in front of a rainbow pride flag

    Skeletons In Closet Come Out

  • Supreme Court Brings Back Three-Fifths Compromise

    WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a blockbuster 5⅗–2⅗ decision, the Supreme Court has ruled Section 2 of the 14th Amendment unconstitutional, effectively allowing states to declare […]

  • Experimenting Princess Clarifies She “Could Kiss A Frog, But Never Date One”

    FAIRYLAND — Today, one princess set the record straight about her sexual preferences after being caught with a frog. “Even though I had so much […]

  • Joe Bruin Bulks Up, Grows Beard For Pride Month

    WESTWOOD — After undergoing twink death at the age of 99, beloved UCLA mascot Joe Bruin has now transformed into the bear he was meant […]

Featured Authors

mm
Georgia McNeill
  • Antisemitism Is Over! Trump Administration Cuts Funding From Cancer Research
  • Top Four Ways To Come Out To Your Family So They Can’t Say No
  • Opinion: No, I Will Not Pie You On Bruinwalk, Please Don’t Involve Me In Your Fetishes
Sam Rusk
  • Top 5 UCLA Study Spots If You Don’t Need Outlets, Wifi, Tables or Chairs
  • Ashe Center To Offer Gender Affirming Computer Science Degrees
  • Local Centaur Divided Hot Dog Style

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