2021 has wrapped up and we are now in a new year. Change can be scary, so here is a list of 2,022 things that will cheer you up in 2022:
1. February 2, 2022
February 2, 2022, or as I like 2 call it 2/2/22, is going 2 be way 2 cool of a day. Look how many 2’s there are! Four 2’s!? That’s 22 many 2’s! That’s a bit 2 many 2’s, anymore 2’s would be way 2 much.
2. February 22, 2022
George Washington’s almost 300th birthday.
3. Either the Olympics or the World Cup. I forgot which.
Every other year either the Olympics or the World Cup takes place. I can’t remember which one it is this year, but regardless, you definitely have something to look forward to if you enjoy watching people do stuff while wearing matching outfits.
4. Ghislaine Maxwell’s suicide
It’s going to happen. How? Who’s to say.
5. Jeff Bezos redoes the Louisiana Purchase
Space wasn’t good enough for him, so now he’s taking Louisiana… and some other states I think.
6-13. Each and every one of the remaining Vaquita porpoises
Thought these motherfuckers were going to go extinct in 2021? Well guess again, they are here to stay for at least part of 2022. Appreciate them while you can.
14. We’re uncancelling Pluto
We all know the story of Pluto. Pluto was considered a planet upon discovery in 1930. However, since then exactly 986 similarly sized large objects have been discovered in the Kuiper belt. Pluto was renamed a dwarf planet in 2003 because astronomers cannot justifiably call Pluto a planet without making these 986 objects planets as well, which would be too many. We’re changing that in 2022. Pluto will now become a planet again because having a Disney character named after just a dwarf planet is kind of icky.
15. The second coming of Christ
You heard it here folks, Jesus is coming back in 2022. For some reason, when he comes back to life Jesus Christ will look a lot like Chancellor Gene Block, so if you ever think you see Gene Block, chill out it’s probably just Jesus.
16 – 1017. The first through thousandth cumming of Christ
I’m going to make Jesus cum so much now that he looks like Daddy Gene.
1018. My Birthday!!!
2022 is a big birthday year. Odds are your birthday is gonna be this year.
1019. No Nut November
Every year the entire world takes a month off from nutting. This year we are going to spice things up a little by having a trend for all eleven months.
1020. Just Jack Off January
Just do it. Do it while you still can.
1021. Forever Fapping February
1022. Maybe Masturbate March
Okay maybe stop.
1023. Avoid Any Autoerotic Activity April
This includes choking. Sorry.
1024. Marchbe Masturbate May
See what I did here?
1025. Just Jizz June
1026. We’re not doing July this year
Just add 31 days to the end of June.
1027. Aw God Please Don’t Nut August
1028. Stop Self-Stimulating September
1029. Obviate Onanism October
1030. Don’t Do It December
By “it” we mean “nut”… if that wasn’t clear.
1031. McDonalds is offering all day breakfast again
This one is real. You can now eat McDonalds’ weird eggs anytime of the day.
1032-2018. Each and every one of the dwarf planets in the Kuiper Belt are being promoted to planets
We’re adding 986 more planets to the solar system.
2019. Jeggings are coming back
This popular early 2010s trend is coming back in full swing. The world wasn’t ready for jeggings in 2010, but now everyone will be wearing jeggings for the entirety of 2022.
2020. New President
You know what I mean. I don’t want to get into this one.
2022 has several movies confirmed already, and not all of them are by Marvel so there genuinely is something to look forward to.
2022. I’m going to learn how to make trail mix
This one is a bit more personal. Ever since I was a little boy, I have wanted to know how to make trail mix. Every time I have gone hiking or gone to the woods someone somehow has a bag full of trail mix. Everywhere I go there is trail mix, and I think it is about time I learn how it is made. Now I can finally be that stranger in the woods that offers you a handful of nut stuff.