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Articles by Don John

Oh No! The Girl You Like Is An Active GroupMe Participant

June 4, 2022 Don John 0

WESTWOOD — Third-year Calvin Brown was disheartened upon joining his class GroupMe and seeing more than ten messages from his crush Emily Lee. “You really […]

Off-Campus Students Realize They Have To Feed Themselves To Live

March 3, 2022 Don John 0

WESTWOOD — Off-campus student Jess Rodgers expressed frustration Tuesday after learning that Earth did not have dining halls everywhere and that she needed to find […]

Tom Brady Taking Gap Year

January 29, 2022 Don John 0

TAMPA — After 22 years in the NFL, veteran quarterback Tom Brady has announced that he will be leaving the game of football. “I don’t […]

Student Saves Time To Stare At Wall By Watching Lectures At Double Speed

January 22, 2022 Don John 0

WESTWOOD — This year’s Omicron crisis has pushed many students into busy remote schedules, forcing them to listen to lectures at double speed to preserve […]

4 Reasons Why You Don’t Deserve To Register In That Class You Need To Graduate

January 6, 2022 Don John 0

You really thought you were out of here. How naïve you were, going on your Class Planner, just begging for a spot to open up […]

Report: Jackhammers In Westwood Only Work Between 4 A.M. And 8 A.M.

December 16, 2021 Don John 0

WESTWOOD — A new study from the Los Angeles Public Works Department found that jackhammers in the Westwood neighborhood can only operate in the wee […]

“I Do My Own Research,” Says Aaron Rodgers On Why He Never Wins In Playoffs

November 6, 2021 Don John 0

GREEN BAY — Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers expressed in a recent interview that, similar to his stances on masks and the COVID-19 vaccines, he also […]

COVID Test Vending Machine Just Wants To Be Spit On

November 5, 2021 Don John 0

WESTWOOD — The COVID test vending machine located behind Haines Hall recently spoke out about its need to be spit on. “Many have tried to […]

Man Loses Collaborative Playlist in Divorce Settlement

October 21, 2021 Don John 0

PORTLAND, OR — A Portland couple has divorced after ten years of marriage, with Ms. Slater gaining custody of the marriage’s collaborative Spotify playlist. “Look, […]

Confident 100 Year-old Still Buys in Bulk

October 15, 2021 Don John 0

LOS ANGELES — Despite his advanced age of 100, local World War II veteran Percival Buckland remains steadfast in his patronage of the Sepulveda Costco […]

Posts pagination

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  • Opinion: No, I Will Not Pie You On Bruinwalk, Please Don’t Involve Me In Your Fetishes

    Just the other day, I was walking to campus, my fresh, virgin eyes bright and cheery, excited to see the world and all the glory […]

  • A white boy and Asian girl standing outside Marugame Udon

    White Boy With Asian Girlfriend Too Excited To Celebrate AAPI Month

    WESTWOOD — After making yet another joke about “sucking balls” while ordering boba, first-year Global Studies major Brayden Smith made an Instagram post where he […]

  • Embarrassing! Student Doesn’t Have Outfit For Victorian French Gothic Hyperpop Themed Fundrager

    WESTWOOD — This weekend, civil engineering freshman James Baeseck was humiliated as he failed to show up in theme to the unsustainable fashion club’s Victorian […]

  • Report: Never Trust How You Feel About Your Life From 12AM To 11:59PM

    WESTWOOD — A new study from UCLA’s Student Anxiety and Depression (SAD) laboratory recommends to never trust anything you think about your life from 12:00 […]

  • Secretary of Defense Announces That Only The “Boy Lesbians” Will Be Eligible for Future Drafts

    WASHINGTON, D.C. — Commenting on the draft eligibility of American women, Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth announced that only the “boy lesbians” would be eligible. […]

Featured Authors

mm
Gabe McNeill
  • Opinion: No, I Will Not Pie You On Bruinwalk, Please Don’t Involve Me In Your Fetishes
  • Opinion: The Ackerman Third Floor Gay Cruising Space Should Be A Designated Cultural Heritage Site
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Sam Rusk
  • Ashe Center To Offer Gender Affirming Computer Science Degrees
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