Op-Ed: Jesus Christ, My Heel Hurts So Much
I went to the doctor the other day. I had been having stabbing pains in my heel for well over a decade. My wife, John […]
Articles by Bruin Statue
Tom Brady Does Football Good
TAMPA, FL — After emerging victorious in this year’s Super Bowl, it has become apparent to the sports world that Tom Brady does football really […]
Area Man Receives Prostate Exam Through Telehealth Appointment
LOS ANGELES – After turning forty-five years old during the latest Coronavirus lockdown, area man Matt McTubbins decided to receive a prostate exam from his […]
NFL Plans To Quarantine COVID Positive Players In Team Facilities
NEW YORK — In a statement on Monday, National Football League Commissioner Roger Goodell announced new COVID-19 protocols in the aftermath of increased coronavirus cases […]
Chick-fil-A CEO Converts To Islam
ATLANTA — Chick-fil-A’s CEO announced his conversion to Islam on Monday. “The American people need to eat more chicken, especially our new ‘Chick-fil-afel’,” said Chief […]
TikTok User Doesn’t Actually Like TikTok
LOS ANGELES — Following the rise in popularity of TikTok among social media users across the world, local man Matt Mackers shrugged and told reporters […]
Trump Can’t Introduce Health Care Plan Because She Goes to Another School
WASHINGTON D.C. — In an interview with “38 Minutes” on Tuesday, President Donald Trump revealed to interviewer Lesley Stahl that his administration’s highly-anticipated health care […]
Oil Tycoon Promotes Impossible Meat As Best Solution To Global Warming
FORT WORTH, TEXAS — Oil tycoon and aspiring activist, Richard Johnston III, issued a press release Thursday promoting the environment-saving potential of switching to Impossible […]
“Beg For It,” Says Automatic Faucet
WESTWOOD — According to toilets close with the Enabler, the rightmost automatic faucet in Target has begun demanding bathroom users to “beg for it” in […]
Inclusivity Win! BPlate Adds Intermittent Fasting Option By Removing Breakfast Meal Periods
WESTWOOD — Residential dining hall Bruin Plate has decided to close its doors during all breakfast meal periods due to pressure from student members of […]