Boelter’s Nerd Infestation Reaches Alarming Heights
WESTWOOD — Los Angeles County Animal Control reported Tuesday that Boelter Hall’s nerd infestation has reached alarming heights. “We were able to capture a large […]
Student Saves Time To Stare At Wall By Watching Lectures At Double Speed
WESTWOOD — This year’s Omicron crisis has pushed many students into busy remote schedules, forcing them to listen to lectures at double speed to preserve […]
Heartwarming! Virgins Across Nation Come Together Each Day To Guess Five Letter Word
U.S.A. — Thanks to the latest online craze, Wordle, virgins from coast to coast are bonding over the exciting opportunity to guess a new five-letter […]
Uh Oh! The Mormons Won The Religion Lottery And Everyone Else Is Getting Waterboarded By Satan
SALT LAKE CITY — Making His first public appearance in millennia, God announced Sunday that the Mormons had won the religion lottery for eternal bliss, […]
Seven Deadly Sins Revised To Include Not Refilling The Brita
VATICAN CITY — The Holy Roman Catholic Church announced on Tuesday that the Seven Deadly Sins will be revised to include Not Refilling the Brita. […]
Report: Your Neighbor Only Practices Trombone Because He Hates You
WESTWOOD — After careful consideration of the evidence, we’re certain that your neighbor- the one saved in your phone as “Angus from Apartment 216”- only […]
Ronald Reagan Medical Center To Be Renamed After President Who Didn’t Suck
WESTWOOD — In light of new allegations of terrible-ness, both students and administrators at UCLA are proposing that the Ronald Reagan UCLA Medical Center be […]
“F*ck You!” And 4 Other Mean Things To Say
Nice guys finish last, but take my word for it, being an utterly irredeemable piece of human garbage is difficult. To help you out, the […]
Poli-Sci Major Excommunicated For Playing Devil’s Advocate At Baptism
RANCHO CUCAMONGA — Third-year political science major Brendan O’Neill’s hopes of becoming a Godfather came crashing down last Sunday, when he was forcibly removed from […]
Safety Legends! This Restaurant Switched Their Food To QR Codes
LOS ANGELES — Public health officials clapped when local restaurant Joe’s Burgers, already having replaced its paper menus with QR codes, doubled down on safety […]