Student Saves Time To Stare At Wall By Watching Lectures At Double Speed

WESTWOOD — This year’s Omicron crisis has pushed many students into busy remote schedules, forcing them to listen to lectures at double speed to preserve their five hours of “stare at the wall” time. “You see, I’m in a rush most days because of, you know, all the stuff I gotta do, so I need to listen to my lectures really fast,” said one of these students, Ted Yaz, whose Google Calendar reminds him to switch the wall he’s staring at every hour. “Recently, my schedule’s become so packed that I’ve been forced to watch lectures, stare at the wall, and cry all at the same time. Those used to be separate extracurricular activities that I rotated between throughout the day.” At press time, Ted had decided to stop listening to any lectures after the midterm to save up for his newly scheduled “ceiling time.”

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Arman Abrishamchian is the human equivalent of "if the sun is so hot, why is space cold?" That was rhetorical, nerd. I prefer ignorance.