VATICAN CITY — The Holy Roman Catholic Church announced on Tuesday that the Seven Deadly Sins will be revised to include Not Refilling the Brita. “It’s time the Church recognized a failing that is emblematic of the selfishness of today’s world,” said Pope Francis, who made the announcement after he was forced to wait several minutes to use the Vatican’s Brita filter to make his daily quota of Holy Water. “Ask yourself: would Jesus fill up his entire Hydro and then say he thought the centimeter of water left at the bottom was ‘enough’? Absolutely not. He would say, ‘a centimeter of water isn’t worth turning into wine, you wouldn’t even get a buzz on.’” To keep the Deadly Sins at a catchy seven count, Lust was removed in light of “God giving you dat ass for a reason.”
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Melissa is proudly allergic to Nutella (will throw up).