RANCHO CUCAMONGA — Third-year political science major Brendan O’Neill’s hopes of becoming a Godfather came crashing down last Sunday, when he was forcibly removed from his nephew’s baptism for playing devil’s advocate. “The priest asked me if I renounce Satan and all his works, and I said that we should try to see things from his point of view, just hypothetically,” said O’Neill, who was also uninvited from his family’s Christmas last year. “My sister cried, but I told her she should try being more objective. I’m starting to think Satan was the earliest victim of cancel culture. After all, if we can’t advocate for the Devil, who the hell are we supposed to advocate for? Marginalized groups?!” At press time, O’Neill’s fraternity brothers could be heard loudly discussing abortion and affirmative action in front of the dejected third-year, in the hopes of rebuilding his confidence.