Studies Show That A Hoe Does In Fact Get Cold
WESTWOOD — Leading researchers for UCLA’s Thotical Research Lab have published a groundbreaking report suggesting that a hoe does, in fact, get cold. “It dropped […]
Health
Housing Adds “Homoerotic Tension” Option to Male Roommate Contracts
WESTWOOD — Preparing for the renewal of roommate contracts for Winter Quarter, UCLA Housing has added a “Homoerotic Tension” clause, hoping to play matchmaker. “We […]
Financial Aid Office Suggests Trying Ramen
WESTWOOD — With the COVID-19 pandemic leaving many in financial peril, the UCLA Office of Financial Aid has released an advisory statement suggesting that struggling […]
Second Year Learns To Do Laundry
WESTWOOD — Rieber Hall residents can now breathe a sigh of relief as second-year resident Emmet Turring (no relation) has finally learned to do his […]
Trend Watch! The Case To Bring Back Lead Poisoning
From bell-bottoms to tube tops, the next generation is scouring the history books for new and exciting ways to kick it old-school. But fashion doesn’t […]
CVS Celebrates Fall With Pumpkin Spice Pepper Spray
LOS ANGELES— Since Monday morning, customers of the Consumer Value Store have been able to enjoy a new line of products that capture the holiday […]
Unbelievable! Phone Call You Put Off For Months Took Two Minutes
YOUR SILLY BRAIN — Despite a history of this very thing happening, you were once again shocked today when that phone call you’ve been putting […]
Joe Biden Announces Nationwide Slut Era As Birth Rates Fall
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In response to a historic decline in the American national birth rate, President Joe Biden has called for a nationwide Slut Era. […]
Loser Has No Addictions
WESTWOOD— Fourth-year physics major John McMan shocked local partygoers when he revealed he has no life-consuming addictions. “I offered him a cigarette and he was […]
Despondent Dr. Oz Seen Wandering Crudité Aisle In Fugue State
BETHLEHEM, PA — Television personality and professional charlatan Dr. Oz was spotted recently wandering the crudité section of a Wegmans grocery store in an aimless […]