CVS Celebrates Fall With Pumpkin Spice Pepper Spray

LOS ANGELES— Since Monday morning, customers of the Consumer Value Store have been able to enjoy a new line of products that capture the holiday spirit, including a brand new Pumpkin Spice Pepper Spray. “I always love when Starbucks brings back the Pumpkin Spice Latte because drinking it makes me feel nostalgic and warm. Now I can have that same fuzzy feeling while escaping an assailant!” says Martha Consuelos, a devout CVS customer and fan of over-the-counter medication. “I have the entire year to buy Russell Stover’s chocolate and Carmex lip balm, but it’s the holidays! I deserve to splurge for the Maple Pecan mace, too.” The Enabler has since obtained video of Consuelos festively pepper-spraying a potential criminal outside CVS.