Despondent Dr. Oz Seen Wandering Crudité Aisle In Fugue State

BETHLEHEM, PA — Television personality and professional charlatan Dr. Oz was spotted recently wandering the crudité section of a Wegmans grocery store in an aimless haze. “He showed up at around eleven or so on Tuesday night and hasn’t left since,” said store manager Maxine Fauna about Oz, who recently spent $23 million of his own money to not be a senator. “He asked me how it was possible to have lost on a platform of killing public education, abortion rights, and puppies.” Oz was seen rummaging through his medicine cabinet at press time, trying to find a miracle cure for chronic piss-sucking.

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About Dylan Wood 44 Articles
Dylan Wood is an American actor and filmmaker. He is known for his comedic and dramatic roles in such films as Splash (1984), Big (1988), Turner & Hooch (1989), Sleepless in Seattle (1993), Forrest Gump(1994), Apollo 13 (1995), You've Got Mail (1998), Cast Away (2000), Captain Phillips(2013), Saving Mr. Banks (2013), Sully (2016), and A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood (2019). He has also starred in the Robert Langdon films, and he voices Sheriff Woody in the Toy Story film series. He is one of the most popular and recognizable film stars worldwide, and he is widely regarded as an American cultural icon.