Loser Has No Addictions

WESTWOOD— Fourth-year physics major John McMan shocked local partygoers when he revealed he has no life-consuming addictions. “I offered him a cigarette and he was like ‘no thanks,’ even after he saw how cool I looked smoking it,” said witness Phillip Suave, who maintains a perfect balance between his public addictions to nicotine, alcohol, and cannabis and his private dependence on buying loot boxes in Call of Duty. “Everyone at the party started clowning on him, but instead of drowning his sorrows with debauchery he just went home to study for his midterms. That guy needs to reassess his life choices.” McMan was approached for comment, but his level headed opinion on the situation was deemed too lame to print.

About Jade Lacy 46 Articles
Jade is an enigma, the shadow at the edge of your vision, the personification of night, and a fourth-year English major and Asian American Studies Minor. She enjoys creeping into your nightmares and creative writing.