Trend Watch! The Case To Bring Back Lead Poisoning

From bell-bottoms to tube tops, the next generation is scouring the history books for new and exciting ways to kick it old-school. But fashion doesn’t have to be the only way to pay homage to the golden years of a dying evil empire. Recent reports that Baby Boomers’ notoriously erratic behavior was caused by early exposure to lead have caused anti-lead propaganda to resurface. We at the Enabler, however, have crunched the numbers and found that those reports can eat shit! 

So here’s the Enabler’s official and legally binding endorsement of ingesting lead-based products. Whether it’s paint, antique gas, or Roman wine, there’s only one way to match the mind-numbing euphoria of a corkscrew lobotomy with the electric high of hitting a Wendy’s cashier for losing your Dave’s Double. They may call you a Karen, but you won’t have a Kare en the world with the right amount of heavy metals in your bloodstream. Cut loose. Shave off a few chips of Sherwin Williams Robin’s Egg from the ceiling of your 1953 town home into an original recipe Coca-Cola or a Manhattan with a big ice cube and an even bigger orange slice, and ease into sweet oblivion in style. 

This article was brought to you by Quincey’s Lead-Based Products and Services™.

About Lucas Humel 8 Articles
Lucas Humel is a middle aged divorcé with no known affiliation to the university. We are unaware of how he was able to get in contact with Enabler staff, and he refuses to tell us. He brings a steaming hot apple pie with an old fashioned wedge of cheddar on the side to every meeting and eats all of it before leaving in silence.