Congress Declares Nuclear War On Climate Change
WASHINGTON — In an unprecedented bipartisan move, both the Senate and the House of Representatives unanimously voted Wednesday in favor of declaring nuclear war against […]
Bomb Threat? Roommate’s Text About Cleaning Has An Exclamation Point
WESTWOOD — Tensions reached an unprecedented high Saturday when third-year Maya Hernandez received a text from her roommate saying, “Heyyy, let’s wipe down the counter […]
UCLA Student Named To Forbes 30 Under 30 For Graduating 2 Quarters Early
WESTWOOD — Forbes Magazine selected recent UCLA grad Stephanie Nguyen for their “30 Under 30” list last week, citing her latest accomplishment of graduating two […]
Report: Jackhammers In Westwood Only Work Between 4 A.M. And 8 A.M.
WESTWOOD — A new study from the Los Angeles Public Works Department found that jackhammers in the Westwood neighborhood can only operate in the wee […]
Online Professor Requests Students “Smash That Like Button, Comment, And Subscribe”
WESTWOOD — In the wake of instructor surveys, online professors have begun to request that students smash that like button, comment on the discussion board, […]
UCLA Dining To Accept KinzCash
WESTWOOD — Following calls from upperclassman students to make food on the Hill more accessible, UCLA Dining will now be accepting Webkinz World’s “Kinzcash” along […]
Solar System Tired Of Planning Student’s Next Downward Spiral
MILKY WAY — The solar system announced Saturday that it had really had enough of planning third-year psychology major Natalie Jones’s next downward spiral. “People […]
Grizzled Detective Still Waiting for Wife to Be Murdered
NEW YORK CITY — Veteran homicide detective Rick Gruff expressed concerns Sunday that his wife of twenty years is still alive and well. “I’ve made […]
Cancel Culture Gone Too Far? LMFAO Forced To Apologize For Party Rockin’
LOS ANGELES — In what some are decrying as “cancel culture run amok,” electronic dance music duo LMFAO is being called on by critics to […]
Heroes: Feminist Frat Bros Annoyed But Respectful Of Your Decision Not To Hook Up With Them Right Now
FRAT ROW — Multiple eyewitness accounts came in last Thursday outside of Chi Alpha Theta regarding the romantic events of the thriving party inside. “Yeah, […]