WESTWOOD — Tensions reached an unprecedented high Saturday when third-year Maya Hernandez received a text from her roommate saying, “Heyyy, let’s wipe down the counter soon!” “I knew my roommate was intense, but I had no idea she was capable of something like this,” said a visibly shaken Hernandez, who spoke to our correspondent from her hiding place underneath her lofted bed. “I mean, she’s literally in the living room, but she texted me anyway! What kind of psycho does that? She said it’s no worries if I’m busy, but there’s definitely worries! There’s definitely worries!” At press time, Hernandez was watching “The Hurt Locker” on her roommate’s Netflix account in an attempt to prepare for life in a war zone.