Congress Declares Nuclear War On Climate Change

WASHINGTON — In an unprecedented bipartisan move, both the Senate and the House of Representatives unanimously voted Wednesday in favor of declaring nuclear war against climate change. “We’re fighting fire with fire,” President Biden said in an address, adding that while nuclear Armageddon might not have been his first solution to the ongoing crisis, it was well worth it to see Congress come together like the good old days. “Today’s historic vote reaffirms America’s trust in our scientific institutions: trust in climate change being a battle that must be fought and trust in the awe-inspiring power of the atomic bomb to level any conflict once and for all. Make no mistakes, folks—the earth is going to kill us all unless we kill it first.” By press time this morning, the United States announced that it was once again out of toilet paper.

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Brandon Wang lives in Westwood with his adopted son Macaulay Culkin. His hobbies include enabling.