Bus Driver Oddly Peppy Today
LOS ANGELES—Noting his bright smile, sing-songy voice and otherwise peppy demeanor, passengers on the metro 720 bus remarked that their driver was weirdly friendly today. […]
News in Briefs
Student Still Believes She Can Make A Difference
WESTWOOD–Citing her optimistic attitude and enthusiastic involvement in several clubs, sources confirmed that first year Kelsey Weaver still thinks she can make a significant impact […]
Roommate Has Friend Over For Some Reason
WESTWOOD—Second-year physics student Trevor Barnes arrived at his dorm late Tuesday evening to discover that his roommate, Tom Bornstein, had a friend over for some […]
Frat Boy Fears Commitment On Valentine’s Day Too
WESTWOOD—Waking up next to yet another drunken hookup, third-year frat brother Tanner McCormick confessed to reporters he was not interested in pursuing a long term […]
Billionaire Casually Takes Snickers From Hotel Room Mini Bar
LAS VEGAS—Exhibiting utter disregard for the exorbitantly inflated price tag, billionaire media magnate Emil Donovan casually took a Snickers from the fully-stocked minibar of his […]
Paris Officially Creeped Out You Haven’t Changed Your Profile Picture Yet
FACEBOOK—Noting that its presence as a social event had long since run its course, Paris reported last night that your profile picture, still emblazoned with […]
Local Motorist Turns Left NOW!
WESTWOOD—After several moments of deep, pensive internal debate, local woman Ann Campbell has decided that right now, with a red light and several pedestrians blocking […]
Area Woman Shazams DMV Hold Music
LOS ANGELES — Citing the incredible variety of smooth jazz that she heard while on hold for nearly 45 minutes today, local woman Susan Foreman […]
Teen Spends Hours Trying On Different Personalities
PORTLAND, OR—Posing in front of her bedroom mirror, 15-year-old Kaitlyn Howard tried on 72 different personalities in the span of five hours. “I like to […]
Freshman Floor Plays Another Fucking Game of Cards Against Humanity
HEDRICK SUMMIT—Starved for human contact, residents of the ninth floor of Hedrick Summit played their fifth game of Cards Against Humanity in three days. “I […]