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Articles by Christopher Wong

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About Christopher Wong
A founding member of the Westwood Enabler, Chris is an aspiring comedy writer who sometimes writes in the third person. He's a real dreamboat. Website: untimelybreath.wordpress.com Twitter: @chrisdemeaner
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Billionaire Casually Takes Snickers From Hotel Room Mini Bar

February 14, 2016 Christopher Wong 0

LAS VEGAS—Exhibiting utter disregard for the exorbitantly inflated price tag, billionaire media magnate Emil Donovan casually took a Snickers from the fully-stocked minibar of his […]

Student Gets Head Start On Test, Asshole Status

December 5, 2015 Christopher Wong 0

WESTWOOD — Attempting to give himself more time on his exam Tuesday, second-year Statistics-major Mike Foster got a head start on his Math 33A final as […]

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Students Take Break From Battling On-Campus Hate To Hate Crosstown Rivals

November 27, 2015 Christopher Wong 0

LOS ANGELES – Lobbing disparaging remarks at the Trojan student body during the UCLA-USC football game Saturday, students at the University of California, Los Angeles […]

POINT: Walk Your Fucking Wheels / COUNTERPOINT: *Whoosh*

June 2, 2015 Christopher Wong 0

Point Walk Your Fucking Wheels! By: Ryan Singh Hey! Watch it, asshole! You almost hit me! Can’t you read the signs?! This is a dismount […]

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Report: Additional Highway Lane Reduces Amount Of Time For Texting

May 30, 2015 Christopher Wong 0

LOS ANGELES — Much to the displeasure of southern California commuters, a study conducted by the Department of Transportation revealed Sunday that the extra highway […]

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Busy Area Father Misses Son’s Conception

May 30, 2015 Christopher Wong 0

LOS ANGELES—Working overtime due to an inability to tell his boss “No”, area father Peter Goodall failed to show up for his unborn son’s conception […]

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Child Beachgoers Build Castle Of Sand, Water, Scattered Ashes

May 30, 2015 Christopher Wong 0

LAGUNA BEACH, CA — Mother of two Stacy Waldorf confirmed to reporters Sunday afternoon that on a recent trip to Laguna Beach, her two children, […]

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Porn Skews Young People’s Perceptions Of How Willing Pizza Guy Is To Have Sex With Them

May 19, 2015 Christopher Wong 0

Pornography these days is more accessible than it’s ever been, particularly to the younger generation. Porn is everywhere. It’s on the computer. It’s on the […]

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Hillary Clinton Announces Plan To Move Back Into Old House Following 16-Year Pest Infestation

April 16, 2015 Christopher Wong 0

WASHINGTON—In a two-minute video featuring blue-collar workers feigning labor, an array of ethnically diverse families, and at least one gay couple holding hands, former First […]

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Man Afraid Of Mispronouncing Dinner Order Gets Bread, Side Of Meatballs

March 11, 2015 Christopher Wong 0

PORTLAND, OR — Afraid of butchering the pronunciation of his dinner order and making a fool of himself in front of friends, fellow diners, and […]

Posts pagination

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  • Opinion: No, I Will Not Pie You On Bruinwalk, Please Don’t Involve Me In Your Fetishes

    Just the other day, I was walking to campus, my fresh, virgin eyes bright and cheery, excited to see the world and all the glory […]

  • A white boy and Asian girl standing outside Marugame Udon

    White Boy With Asian Girlfriend Too Excited To Celebrate AAPI Month

    WESTWOOD — After making yet another joke about “sucking balls” while ordering boba, first-year Global Studies major Brayden Smith made an Instagram post where he […]

  • Embarrassing! Student Doesn’t Have Outfit For Victorian French Gothic Hyperpop Themed Fundrager

    WESTWOOD — This weekend, civil engineering freshman James Baeseck was humiliated as he failed to show up in theme to the unsustainable fashion club’s Victorian […]

  • Report: Never Trust How You Feel About Your Life From 12AM To 11:59PM

    WESTWOOD — A new study from UCLA’s Student Anxiety and Depression (SAD) laboratory recommends to never trust anything you think about your life from 12:00 […]

  • Secretary of Defense Announces That Only The “Boy Lesbians” Will Be Eligible for Future Drafts

    WASHINGTON, D.C. — Commenting on the draft eligibility of American women, Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth announced that only the “boy lesbians” would be eligible. […]

Featured Authors

mm
Gabe McNeill
  • Opinion: No, I Will Not Pie You On Bruinwalk, Please Don’t Involve Me In Your Fetishes
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Sam Rusk
  • Ashe Center To Offer Gender Affirming Computer Science Degrees
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