Student Requesting Extension Types Transcript of Recent Therapy Session In Email
WESTWOOD — Third-year political science major Jeffrey Trabor included the transcript of his recent therapy session in an email to his TA requesting an extension. […]
Health
Gender Studies Professor Reports Attendance Optional, Jade Eggs Mandatory
WESTWOOD — Gender Studies 10 Professor John Camp announced that while attendance is optional for his course, jade eggs will be firmly mandatory. “Given the […]
UCLA Announces Masks Now Optional, Also Pants
BRUINWALK — UCLA has announced that, beginning April 11, students will no longer be required to wear masks — nor pants. “I’m so excited to […]
Unbelievable! Area Woman Goes To Gyno Without Tearing Paper Gown
WESTWOOD — In a stunning turn of events, area woman Julia Smythe has made it through her gynecological exam without tearing the paper gown the […]
4 Out Of 5 Dentists Say You Should Break Up
CAMBRIDGE — A recent study done by MIT analysts has found that four out of five dentists say you should break up with your good-for-nothing […]
Gone But Not Forgotten… Wait Nevermind, Who Is This?
WESTWOOD — The whole campus came together today to mourn the recent passing of… well, we are not quite clear on that. “It’s hard to […]
Suave Announces 5-in-1 Shampoo, Conditioner, Body Wash, Lube, And Meal Replacement
CHICAGO — Responding to investor pressures to expand its customer base, Suave announced Thursday a new 5-in-1 shampoo, conditioner, body wash, personal lubricant, and meal […]
Gen Z Ultrasound Assistant Groans Every Time Baby Going To Be A Gemini
LOS ANGELES — Twenty-three year old perinatal assistant Jessica Fieldman groans every time an ultrasound predicts the baby will be a Gemini. “I just can’t […]
Six Self Love Exercises That Even Your Dumb Little Brain Could Do
With the most stressful weeks of the quarter beginning, it’s important you’re prepared for the onslaught of hate, both from within and without. Here are […]
Off-Campus Students Realize They Have To Feed Themselves To Live
WESTWOOD — Off-campus student Jess Rodgers expressed frustration Tuesday after learning that Earth did not have dining halls everywhere and that she needed to find […]