UCLA Announces Masks Now Optional, Also Pants

BRUINWALK — UCLA has announced that, beginning April 11, students will no longer be required to wear masks — nor pants. “I’m so excited to finally liberate myself from those freedom-stripping, liberal-propaganda-muzzles… and I’m also glad I don’t have to wear a mask anymore,” proclaimed Hugo Butte, a third-year political science major whose frequent nudity has gotten him banned from Westwood establishments such as Boelter Hall, Hedrick 5 North, the UCLA Blood and Platelet Center, and Ami Sushi. “I guess I’m a little worried about virus transmission, but I’ve already had it, so I think I have the antibodies anyways. Oh, you were asking about COVID? Nevermind.” At press time, Butte was being escorted from Gene Block’s quarterly office hours, wearing nothing but his Rainbow flip flops.

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