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All Things Enabled

Stay tuned for recordings of our gripping podcast! It’ll grip ya!

Quarter System To Become Dollar System Due To Inflation

July 8, 2022 Dana Badii 0

WESTWOOD — An email was sent to the Bruin community late last night, in which it was announced that the quarter system would be renamed […]

POC Ally Alert! White Man Only Dates Asian Women

July 6, 2022 Harry Song 0

SAN DIEGO — Marginalized communities across the nation praised white man Evan Schmidt this Wednesday for his radical choice to exclusively date Asian women. “I’ve […]

Gaslighting Boyfriend Correctly Describes Brain As “All in Your Head”

July 5, 2022 Tatiana Davidson 0

WESTWOOD — On Thursday evening, local gaslighting boyfriend Jayson “what’s ur snap?” Jones correctly described his girlfriend’s brain as “all in her head.” “Nothing you […]

Local Woman Finally Decides To Settle Down And Adopt A Highway

June 20, 2022 Hanna Barlow 0

THE 101 — In an inspiring story out of Los Angeles, 32-year-old feminist Simone Hedrick has made the brave decision to finally settle down and […]

Pinocchio Discovers Real World, No Longer Wants To Be Real Boy

June 18, 2022 Bella Dunham 0

TUSCANY — Pinocchio, despite his lifelong wish to become a real boy, has announced he rescinds his statement and would like to become a wooden […]

Student Graduating Cum Laude Cums Loud

June 10, 2022 Harry Song 0

WESTWOOD — Communications major Jonathan Yao shocked students and staff Friday when he ejaculated in his graduation gown while accepting his diploma. “It could’ve been […]

Feel Old Yet? The Universe Was Created 8,000 Years Ago

May 21, 2022 Brandon Wang 0

OMAHA — Scientists discovered Thursday that the universe was created 8,000 years ago. “Feel old yet? God, that’s such a long time,” said chief astrophysicist […]

“F*ck You!” And 4 Other Mean Things To Say

January 15, 2022 Robi Chatterjee 0

Nice guys finish last, but take my word for it, being an utterly irredeemable piece of human garbage is difficult. To help you out, the […]

2,022 Things To Look Forward To In 2022

January 7, 2022 Robi Chatterjee 0

2021 has wrapped up and we are now in a new year. Change can be scary, so here is a list of 2,022 things that […]

Posts pagination

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  • Antisemitism Is Over! Trump Administration Cuts Funding From Cancer Research

    WESTWOOD — After the Trump administration justified cutting research funding to UCLA by citing concerns of antisemitism, Jews and Gentiles alike were shocked when the […]

  • Opinion: Suck It, Pre-Meds! Now We’re All Going To Be Unemployed

    It finally happened. Despite being so against equity and inclusion, Trump finally did something to level the playing field between you pre-meds and us humanities, […]

  • Roommate Unable To Clean Dorm Because Floor Is Lava

    WESTWOOOD – In an emergency press conference inside your dorm today, your roommate announced they are unable to clean because the floor is lava. “I […]

  • Woke Mother Performs First Successful “Straight Conversion Therapy”

    WEST HOLLYWOOD — On Tuesday, local woke mother Dorothy McBeal celebrated the results of months of grueling treatment as her first and only child finally […]

  • two skeletons kissing in front of a rainbow pride flag

    Skeletons In Closet Come Out

Featured Authors

mm
Georgia McNeill
  • Antisemitism Is Over! Trump Administration Cuts Funding From Cancer Research
  • Top Four Ways To Come Out To Your Family So They Can’t Say No
  • Opinion: No, I Will Not Pie You On Bruinwalk, Please Don’t Involve Me In Your Fetishes
Sam Rusk
  • Top 5 UCLA Study Spots If You Don’t Need Outlets, Wifi, Tables or Chairs
  • Ashe Center To Offer Gender Affirming Computer Science Degrees
  • Local Centaur Divided Hot Dog Style

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