Feel Old Yet? The Universe Was Created 8,000 Years Ago

OMAHA — Scientists discovered Thursday that the universe was created 8,000 years ago. “Feel old yet? God, that’s such a long time,” said chief astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson, who took over the multimillion-dollar study after Stephen Hawking died trying to carry all the zeros. “Rest in peace Stevie. Good grief — has anyone ever even counted to 8,000?” At press time, the universe’s creator could not be reached for comment.

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Brandon Wang lives in Westwood with his adopted son Macaulay Culkin. His hobbies include enabling.