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Study: Productivity Increases 360% When Chairs Can Swivel All The Way Around

November 20, 2019 Nathan Grovhoug 0

WESTWOOD — Confidently swiveling in all directions to address her audience, project lead Angela Moriarty announced her team’s findings, which conclude that productivity increases 360% […]

Academy Accidentally Leaks Next Year’s “In Memoriam” Segment

November 18, 2019 Dylan Wood 0

LOS ANGELES — Members of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences are attempting damage control following reports that next year’s Oscars “In Memoriam” […]

Ethnomusicology Student Caught Listening To Maroon 5 On Spotify

November 18, 2019 Analisa Burns 0

WESTWOOD — Third-year ethnomusicology major Sebastian Arrow-Gantz lost his musical authority Monday morning when his Spotify listening activity revealed that he was playing Maroon 5 […]

Study Finds Earth Could Be Too Hot For Light Jackets By 2050

November 14, 2019 Jade Lacy 0

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a revelatory study released last week, the Environmental Protection Agency claimed that not too bad, but slightly chilly days may be […]

High School “A” Student Excited to be College “A” Student

November 14, 2019 Kylie Kinne 0

WESTWOOD — In a declaration made to her life sciences study group last week, first-year nursing student Amanda Stein made it clear that because she […]

Area Man Googles “Kurd”

November 13, 2019 Dylan Wood 0

BUFFALO, NY — As the nation grapples with the Trump Administration’s decision to remove troops from Syria, area man Thomas Pitt took the drastic measure […]

Radio DJ Wonders If November Too Early To Start Playing Jonestown Tapes

November 12, 2019 Dylan Wood 0

INDIANAPOLIS — WZPL radio host Zack N. Cody once again faces an annual question: how early is too early to start playing the Jonestown Tapes […]

Op-Ed: As An Intellectual, I Eagerly Await The Return Of Rick And Morty

November 8, 2019 Han Darmon 0

Merriam Webster’s dictionary defines “Wubba lubba dub dub” as an expression of jubilation, an exclamation of pure joy, and a rallying battle cry of the […]

Midterms Finish Just In Time For Midterms

November 6, 2019 Nathan Grovhoug 0

WESTWOOD — Bruins finally breathed a sigh of relief as midterms wrapped up this week, just in time for midterms to begin first thing next […]

Fossil Free UC Misunderstanding Leads To Loss Of Archaeology Department

November 3, 2019 Ben Robinow 0

WESTWOOD — In what is being called a “cultural tragedy,” the UCLA archaeology department was abolished last Wednesday after all of its materials were incinerated […]

Posts pagination

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  • Opinion: Suck It, Pre-Meds! Now We’re All Going To Be Unemployed

    It finally happened. Despite being so against equity and inclusion, Trump finally did something to level the playing field between you pre-meds and us humanities, […]

  • Roommate Unable To Clean Dorm Because Floor Is Lava

    WESTWOOOD – In an emergency press conference inside your dorm today, your roommate announced they are unable to clean because the floor is lava. “I […]

  • Woke Mother Performs First Successful “Straight Conversion Therapy”

    WEST HOLLYWOOD — On Tuesday, local woke mother Dorothy McBeal celebrated the results of months of grueling treatment as her first and only child finally […]

  • two skeletons kissing in front of a rainbow pride flag

    Skeletons In Closet Come Out

  • Supreme Court Brings Back Three-Fifths Compromise

    WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a blockbuster 5⅗–2⅗ decision, the Supreme Court has ruled Section 2 of the 14th Amendment unconstitutional, effectively allowing states to declare […]

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