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Articles by Ben Robinow

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About Ben Robinow
Ben is a first-year ecology, behavior, and evolution major who is merely a vessel for a being whose true form your puny mortal brain could not begin to fathom. He enjoys his days on earth, and hopes that you do too, as they are numbered.

Coronavirus Revealed To Be Hoax By Nintendo To Increase Animal Crossing Sales

April 24, 2020 Ben Robinow 0

KYOTO, JAPAN — Today, in a private interview with Enabler correspondents, Nintendo president Shuntaro Furukawa revealed that Nintendo orchestrated the Coronavirus pandemic to increase sales […]

Seven Neat Ways To Actually MAKE Money This Holiday Season

December 10, 2019 Ben Robinow 0

Yes, it’s that time of year again! A time of joy and cheer, a time of love and family, and above all, a time of […]

Fossil Free UC Misunderstanding Leads To Loss Of Archaeology Department

November 3, 2019 Ben Robinow 0

WESTWOOD — In what is being called a “cultural tragedy,” the UCLA archaeology department was abolished last Wednesday after all of its materials were incinerated […]

Cole Sprouse Admits He Absorbed Third Sprouse Child In Womb

November 3, 2019 Ben Robinow 0

LOS ANGELES — Earlier this week during an informal interview inside of an Applebee’s, Cole Sprouse revealed that he absorbed his third brother, Sheldon, while […]

Richter Scale Objectifies Earthquakes, Claims California Advocacy Group

October 29, 2019 Ben Robinow 0

SAN FRANCISCO — Following a slew of recent earthquakes, a Bay Area advocacy group demanded the use of the Richter scale be discontinued due to […]

  • Man standing in a mirror maze, pointing to reflections of himself. He looks very bewildered.

    Other Idiots in Mirror Maze Going The Wrong Way

    HELL — Following a trip to the local mirror maze, resident genius Leon Noel scoffed at all the morons in there going the wrong direction. […]

  • Julio Frenk’s “Listening Exercise” Is Cuck Play Where He Listens To Me And My Lover Through The Door

    Dear Bruin Community: Since Julio began his listening exercise in February, I have met with 29 men and women, and more than 5,000 non-binary baristas, […]

  • Idiot Moron Claps At Poetry Reading

    WESTWOOD — This morning, fourth-year American literature and culture major Emily Yonicson humiliated herself and her family as she clapped, not snapped, at a local […]

  • Heartbreaking! Invisible Lesbian Unable To Celebrate Lesbian Visibility Week

    WESTWOOD — After attempting to participate in the LGBTQ Campus Resource Center’s event for Lesbian Visibility Week, one lesbian was deeply disappointed by the center’s […]

  • “Sperm Racing” Event to Take Place in Communal Bathroom Shower Stall

Featured Authors

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Gabe McNeill
  • Opinion: They Should Let The New Pope Have Gay Sex Once So He Can See If It Should Still Be Banned Or Not
  • Other Idiots in Mirror Maze Going The Wrong Way
  • Report: Straightest Woman You Know Won’t Stop Calling Boyfriend “Fruity”
Sam Rusk
  • Ashe Center To Offer Gender Affirming Computer Science Degrees
  • Local Centaur Divided Hot Dog Style
  • Time Flies: 2005 Baby Officially Queer Elder

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