The Westwood Enabler
  • Home
  • On The Paper
  • News
    • Campus
    • National
    • International
  • Opinion
    • Point/Counterpoint
  • Listicle
  • A&E
    • Arts
    • Celebrities
    • Culture
    • Trend Watch
  • Sports
  • Graphics
    • News In Pictures
    • Infographics
  • About
    • Staff
    • Join
    • Contact
  • Store

Articles by Analisa Burns

mm
About Analisa Burns
I am the little guy in the enabler family. I am not worse than my brothers because I am small. I am fun and smart and I can write just as good as the big guys. I can also run really fast.

Op-Ed: I’m Tired Of Writing Fluff Pieces For The Westwood Enabler

March 3, 2021 Analisa Burns 0

As a member of the premiere satirical newspaper at UCLA, I personally feel like I’m being held back. I know I got what it takes […]

Op-Ed: Our Carbon Footprints Aren’t As Big As Our Carbon Assprints

February 22, 2021 Al Gore 0

To preface this argument, I would just like to acknowledge that I care about society a lot. I do think that the climate is changing […]

Anthony Fauci Last Horcrux Needed To Destroy COVID-19

January 29, 2021 Analisa Burns 0

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases recently declared that their director, Anthony Fauci, is the last horcrux needed to kill […]

Breaking: Biden Cannot Simultaneously Pat Head, Rub Tummy

November 5, 2020 Analisa Burns 0

WILMINGTON, DE — During a major campaign event this week, presidential candidate Joe Biden failed to complete the simple task, requested by a five year […]

Daddy LongLegs Divorces Mommy LongLegs

October 29, 2020 Analisa Burns 0

ITSY BITSY WEB, CA — After almost four months of marriage, Daddy LongLegs is filing for divorce, citing Mommy LongLegs’ condescending tone and her attempts […]

BREAKING: Friend Wants To Go Camping

October 12, 2020 Analisa Burns 0

SAN LUIS OBISPO, CA — At 8:36 am PST, Scottie Macadamia compiled a group chat with his peers proposing a weekend trip that will never […]

Bumblebee Excited For Next Presidential Debate

October 8, 2020 Analisa Burns 0

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Insiders confirmed that a retired worker bee with ties to the Biden campaign will make his debut on an old man’s hair […]

BREAKING: Guy With Pool Finally Goes Swimming

September 23, 2020 Analisa Burns 0

MARINA DEL REY, CA — On Monday afternoon at approximately 4:15 p.m., local apartment complex resident Michael Khaney decided to take a dip in his […]

Ethnomusicology Student Caught Listening To Maroon 5 On Spotify

November 18, 2019 Analisa Burns 0

WESTWOOD — Third-year ethnomusicology major Sebastian Arrow-Gantz lost his musical authority Monday morning when his Spotify listening activity revealed that he was playing Maroon 5 […]

  • Someone glaring at another person standing in a corner at a party

    I Lived It: The Corner I Was Going To Stand In At The Party Got Taken

    As a Mysterious Fella, it’s important for me to have a nice corner to stand in at parties. There’s really nothing like holding a clammy […]

  • Report: White Woman Lowkey Doesn’t Mind The Patriarchy

    BEVERLY HILLS— Maddie Rose Miller, a fourth-year Sociology major, CorePower Yoga instructor, and aspiring luxury real estate agent, has recently reported feeling no ill-will towards […]

  • Opinion: No, I Will Not Pie You On Bruinwalk, Please Don’t Involve Me In Your Fetishes

    Just the other day, I was walking to campus, my fresh, virgin eyes bright and cheery, excited to see the world and all the glory […]

  • A white boy and Asian girl standing outside Marugame Udon

    White Boy With Asian Girlfriend Too Excited To Celebrate AAPI Month

    WESTWOOD — After making yet another joke about “sucking balls” while ordering boba, first-year Global Studies major Brayden Smith made an Instagram post where he […]

  • Embarrassing! Student Doesn’t Have Outfit For Victorian French Gothic Hyperpop Themed Fundrager

    WESTWOOD — This weekend, civil engineering freshman James Baeseck was humiliated as he failed to show up in theme to the unsustainable fashion club’s Victorian […]

Featured Authors

mm
Gabe McNeill
  • Opinion: No, I Will Not Pie You On Bruinwalk, Please Don’t Involve Me In Your Fetishes
  • Opinion: The Ackerman Third Floor Gay Cruising Space Should Be A Designated Cultural Heritage Site
  • Five Reasons Why I Didn’t Ruin The Vibe By Throwing Up In De Neve
Sam Rusk
  • Ashe Center To Offer Gender Affirming Computer Science Degrees
  • Local Centaur Divided Hot Dog Style
  • Time Flies: 2005 Baby Officially Queer Elder

ARCHIVES

RECOMMENDED

  • Opinion: Half The Government Is Fired And I Still Need A Real ID?

    May 8, 2025 0
  • Opinion: They Should Let The New Pope Have Gay Sex Once So He Can See If It Should Still Be Banned Or Not

    May 7, 2025 0
  • Opinion: He/Him Is Gender Neutral

    May 6, 2025 0
  • Julio Frenk Takes “Fuck the Police” Seriously, Last Seen Naked In Royce Hall

    May 5, 2025 0
  • “Counting To 10” And Other Woke Ideologies Sesame Street Is Using To Indoctrinate Your Kids

    May 2, 2025 0

Copyright © 2025 | WordPress Theme by MH Themes