The Westwood Enabler
  • Home
  • On The Paper
  • News
    • Campus
    • National
    • International
  • Opinion
    • Point/Counterpoint
  • Listicle
  • A&E
    • Arts
    • Celebrities
    • Culture
    • Trend Watch
  • Sports
  • Graphics
    • News In Pictures
    • Infographics
  • About
    • Staff
    • Join
    • Contact
  • Store

Articles by Kylie Kinne

mm
About Kylie Kinne
Kylie Kinne is a fourth-year physics major from San Antonio, Texas. When she’s not writing satirical news, she enjoys piña coladas, getting caught in the rain, and making love at midnight in the dunes of the cape.

Worst Person You Know Not Muted on Zoom

November 20, 2020 Kylie Kinne 0

WESTWOOD — At approximately 9:45 this morning, the worst person you know failed to mute himself in the Zoom meeting for your lecture. “MOM DO […]

Op-Ed: Bernie Sanders Can Still Win 2016 Presidential Election

October 6, 2020 Kylie Kinne 0

The lies of the bourgeois press may have led you to believe that the 2016 presidential election has already concluded. Well, I’m here to tell […]

High School “A” Student Excited to be College “A” Student

November 14, 2019 Kylie Kinne 0

WESTWOOD — In a declaration made to her life sciences study group last week, first-year nursing student Amanda Stein made it clear that because she […]

1/5 Dentists Agree Flossing For Little Bitch Boys

October 31, 2019 Kylie Kinne 0

NEW YORK — The American Dental Association released a groundbreaking study this weekend which showed that while four out of five dentists agree that daily […]

Beto O’Rourke Legally Changes Middle Name To “Kickflip”

September 4, 2019 Kylie Kinne 0

EL PASO, TEXAS — In an impromptu press conference held in a Whataburger restaurant yesterday morning, presidential candidate Beto O’Rourke announced that he had legally […]

Woman Comfortable With Stranger’s Genitals In Mouth Doesn’t Eat Gluten

August 26, 2019 Kylie Kinne 0

WESTWOOD — In a Westwood Enabler exclusive interview, third-year Rebecca Wright announced that she will be starting a gluten-free diet, although she plans to continue […]

Bill Cosby Nominated To Supreme Court

September 26, 2018 Kylie Kinne 0

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a press briefing this morning from Washington, President Donald Trump announced his nomination of popular comedian and actor Bill Cosby to […]

Covel Voted Most Okayest Dining Hall

May 20, 2018 Kylie Kinne 0

WESTWOOD — UCLA Dining reported this week that in a comprehensive poll of UCLA residents, students voted Covel the “most okayest” dining hall. “I don’t […]

This Class Actually Super Easy, Asshole Reports

May 20, 2018 Kylie Kinne 0

WESTWOOD — Local asshole Kyle Logan reported this week that his Math 33A class is, in fact, “super easy.” “Honestly I don’t even try at all and […]

North Campus T.A. Growing Out Gross Beard

March 28, 2018 Kylie Kinne 0

WESTWOOD — Philosophy 100A TA Mark Isaacs announced this week that he would be growing out a gross beard in the coming quarter. “As I […]

Posts pagination

1 2 »

  • Someone glaring at another person standing in a corner at a party

    I Lived It: The Corner I Was Going To Stand In At The Party Got Taken

    As a Mysterious Fella, it’s important for me to have a nice corner to stand in at parties. There’s really nothing like holding a clammy […]

  • Report: White Woman Lowkey Doesn’t Mind The Patriarchy

    BEVERLY HILLS— Maddie Rose Miller, a fourth-year Sociology major, CorePower Yoga instructor, and aspiring luxury real estate agent, has recently reported feeling no ill-will towards […]

  • Opinion: No, I Will Not Pie You On Bruinwalk, Please Don’t Involve Me In Your Fetishes

    Just the other day, I was walking to campus, my fresh, virgin eyes bright and cheery, excited to see the world and all the glory […]

  • A white boy and Asian girl standing outside Marugame Udon

    White Boy With Asian Girlfriend Too Excited To Celebrate AAPI Month

    WESTWOOD — After making yet another joke about “sucking balls” while ordering boba, first-year Global Studies major Brayden Smith made an Instagram post where he […]

  • Embarrassing! Student Doesn’t Have Outfit For Victorian French Gothic Hyperpop Themed Fundrager

    WESTWOOD — This weekend, civil engineering freshman James Baeseck was humiliated as he failed to show up in theme to the unsustainable fashion club’s Victorian […]

Featured Authors

mm
Gabe McNeill
  • Opinion: No, I Will Not Pie You On Bruinwalk, Please Don’t Involve Me In Your Fetishes
  • Opinion: The Ackerman Third Floor Gay Cruising Space Should Be A Designated Cultural Heritage Site
  • Five Reasons Why I Didn’t Ruin The Vibe By Throwing Up In De Neve
Sam Rusk
  • Ashe Center To Offer Gender Affirming Computer Science Degrees
  • Local Centaur Divided Hot Dog Style
  • Time Flies: 2005 Baby Officially Queer Elder

ARCHIVES

RECOMMENDED

  • Opinion: Half The Government Is Fired And I Still Need A Real ID?

    May 8, 2025 0
  • Opinion: They Should Let The New Pope Have Gay Sex Once So He Can See If It Should Still Be Banned Or Not

    May 7, 2025 0
  • Opinion: He/Him Is Gender Neutral

    May 6, 2025 0
  • Julio Frenk Takes “Fuck the Police” Seriously, Last Seen Naked In Royce Hall

    May 5, 2025 0
  • “Counting To 10” And Other Woke Ideologies Sesame Street Is Using To Indoctrinate Your Kids

    May 2, 2025 0

Copyright © 2025 | WordPress Theme by MH Themes