Help! It’s My Second Rodeo But I Still Don’t Know What To Do
LIBERTY, TX— Onlookers at the Rip Roarin’ Rodeo were shocked Wednesday when prospective cowboy and local idiot Bucks McGee erred despite having previously attended a […]
BREAKING: Daily Bruin Member Cracks Joke
WESTWOOD — Did you feel an earthquake last night? That was the world shifting as Garrett Smurp became the first Daily Bruin member in the […]
REPORT: English Major Still Can’t Spell Kerckhoff
WESTWOOD — Fourth-year English major Lauren Ipsum shocked friends and classmates Tuesday when she spelled the campus landmark as “Kirkhoff,” “Kerkoff,” and “Kirckoff” within a […]
An Apple A Day Defends You From Your Doctor
TRANSYLVANIA — Recent studies have revealed that doctors are repelled by apples—a fact that the doctor hunters of Transylvania have known for years. “Apples have […]
UCLA Unveils New “Just Eat The Fucking Soil” Meal Plan
WESTWOOD — UCLA Dining announced its new “Just Eat The Fucking Soil” meal plan Thursday, which permits students to consume the dirt on campus. “If […]
Report: Local Sleepyhead Takes Another Little Nap
MASTER BEDROOM – Reports have shown that local sleepyhead E. C. Scrooge is yet again snoozing, dozing, and drifting off to sleep. “Hnnknnkkkkkk… mi mi […]
Pope Says Blood Of Christ Should Go Through Brita
VATICAN CITY — Word has come down today from Pope Francis that all Catholics should be filtering the Blood of Christ through a Brita before […]
Opinion: I Don’t Need A Halloween Costume If I’ve Never Truly Been Myself
I love October. Changing leaves on every tree, pumpkins on every stoop, and Trader Joe’s butternut squash mac and cheese in every student’s freezer. But […]
Corset Factory Employees To Unionize In Light Of Halloween
LOS ANGELES – As Halloween nears, corset factory employees are threatening to unionize after working tirelessly for months producing the season’s most sought-after accessory: corsets. […]
Fraternity Announces Only Moms Are Invited To Party This Weekend
WESTWOOD — Your mom and dad just called, and they’re coming to visit you for Parents’ Weekend. Unfortunately for you, it’s also Halloweekend: arguably the […]