VATICAN CITY — Word has come down today from Pope Francis that all Catholics should be filtering the Blood of Christ through a Brita before drinking it. “Christ isn’t juiced daily, you know. That vintage your church is serving up has been collecting dust for two thousand years,” said the Pope, whose altar boys’ primary duty is changing his Brita filter regularly. “Also, what was the point in cutting up His body and molding it into those little crackers if you disgusting fucks are all just gonna drink out of the same chalice? Dip Him, you idiots!” At press time, God was considering adding an Eleventh Commandment to ensure that His filthy followers filtered their communion wine.
