“This Game Is Fucking Bullshit!” Little Brother Reports
LOS ANGELES— Members of the Miller family were recently informed by their little brother that the game they were playing was, in fact, bullshit. “It’s […]
Cupid To Upgrade To Rocket Launcher, Quote: “Gotta Get Those Numbers Up”
THE AIR — Love is in it, folks. And this Valentine’s Day, Cupid’s got a little something special up his diaper. “Lockheed Martin’s newest Hydrogen […]
U.S. Mistakenly Shoots Down Stoner in Place of “High Altitude Object”:
CANADIAN AIRSPACE — Late this afternoon, the United States military shot down Colorado native and active stoner, Alexander Payton, after mistaking him for another Chinese […]
Valentine’s Day Gift Ideas For Your Boyfriend
Uh oh! Valentine’s Day is just around the corner and you haven’t gotten a gift for that special guy in your life! Are you sick […]
Opinion: If We’re Bringing Back Cigarettes, Why Don’t We Also Bring Back Opium?
I’ve noticed an interesting trend recently. You’re at a party, drinking your beers, sipping your jungle juice, and all of a sudden everyone is smoking […]
Gene Block Pulls A Gone Girl, Disappears
WESTWOOD — The campus community was in uproar on Friday following the disappearance of our beloved chancellor Gene Block. “I miss him so much,” sobbed […]
Three Signs You Have Developed A Parasocial Relationship With Gene Block
Are you feeling those pesky little butterflies fluttering in your tummy when you think about how close you are to Gene Block again after break? […]
Opinion: If I Spill My Trauma To You, Will You Let Me Into Your Grad Program?
I’ve known I wanted to be a neurosurgeon ever since I saw my grandfather get run over by a Zamboni. Right in that moment, as […]