Gene Block Permanently Banned From All UCLA Stores
ACKERMAN UNION — Gene Block was permanently banned at the Ackerman branch of the UCLA store this morning for the act of [REDACTED] right next […]
Unemployable Student Goes To Grad School
WESTWOOD — Fourth-year history major Elisa Lee, who has zero marketable skills or relevant work experience, has just announced her intention to go to graduate […]
“It’s Just Seasonal Depression,” Says Student During Spring Quarter
WESTWOOD — Fourth-year Primrose Miller claimed Monday that their depression is just seasonal, despite it being week eight of spring quarter. “I’m usually totally fine. […]
Republicans Propose “No Child Left Unshot” Plan
WASHINGTON D.C. — Seeking to expand on the “No Child Left Behind” educational program, Senate Republicans have rolled out “No Child Left Unshot.” “We think […]
Uber Drivers To Charge Extra If You Talk About Your Delusionship
LOS ANGELES — Uber announced today that drivers are now allowed to charge their riders an additional fee if they talk about their delusionship in […]
Opinion: I Tried So Hard And Got So Far, But In The End Does It Even Matter?
It starts with one thing, and I just don’t know why. Sometimes, it doesn’t even matter how hard I try (keep in mind, I didn’t […]
UniBud Now Accepting ASUCLA Meal Tickets
WESTWOOD — ASUCLA announced last Sunday that it is partnering with UniBud to bring students all of their kushy needs, now accessible via their student […]
New Florida Bill Bans All Classroom Speech
TALLAHASSEE — Florida governor Ron DeSantis signed a bill today banning all speech in public school classrooms, on the grounds that it could contain content […]
New Hank Green TikTok Explains How You Will Die
MISSOULA, MT — Internet personality Hank Green put out another informative TikTok today, in which he revealed the exact time and manner of your demise. […]
Move Over Fjallraven! This Season’s Hottest Accessory Is A Handkerchief Tied To A Stick
PARIS, FRANCE — Paris’ top trend-watchers have announced that everyone’s favorite Swedish backpack is OUT, and a red handkerchief tied to a long crooked branch […]