Uber Drivers To Charge Extra If You Talk About Your Delusionship

LOS ANGELES — Uber announced today that drivers are now allowed to charge their riders an additional fee if they talk about their delusionship in the car. “I’ve had my fair share of people vomiting and making out in the back, but there’s nothing worse than a passenger asking me what she should respond to Ryan after he promised she was the only girl he sorta liked and then called her the wrong name,” exclaimed veteran driver Brad Illac, whose driver rating has suffered since he drifted off the road Googling “talking stage.” “Everytime I hear ‘they’re just not looking for a relationship right now’ I’m adding 5%. No 10%. I need to cover my therapy for the moral guilt I feel reassuring one of my riders that the guy she went on two dates with was her twin-flame soulmate.” At press time, Illac had bought Lyft with the money he made driving a passenger across the country to see “a friend.”

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Cynthia is a fourth-year English major who laughs way too hard before saying the actual joke. She's funny once she finishes her sentences though.