Apathetic Parents Lukewarm For The Return Of Their Socialist Daughter
COLUMBUS, OH — Sources report that the Loofer family is unamused with the return of their socialist daughter and would prefer if freshman Lindsay Loofer […]
Student Narrows Down Classmate’s Name To Two Possibilities
WESTWOOD — This past Tuesday, local second-year Arty McStank excitedly reported that after much deliberation, he has narrowed down his classmate’s name to approximately two […]
Frat Boy’s Jokes About Hazing Getting Weirdly Specific
WESTWOOD – According to multiple sources, recent “jokes” made by first-year student and fraternity member Mark Prescott about the pledging process have become strangely specific. […]
P: Patrick Mahomes Has Been the Single Best Quarterback So Far this NFL Season / CP: His Voice Sounds Like a Frog
Point: Patrick Mahomes Has Been the Single Best Quarterback So Far this NFL Season by BJ Kissel It really is an easy argument to make […]
Kid In Suit Jacket Goes Entire Lecture Without Volunteering His Opinion
WESTWOOD — Early Tuesday morning, suit jacket-clad business economics-major Greg Whitfield went a full two hours in his psychology class without stating his beliefs on […]
Illuminati Holds Annual Pancake Breakfast Fundraiser
OSSINING, NY – This past Sunday the Illuminati held their annual pancake breakfast fundraiser at the Louis Engel Community Center in Ossining, NY. “We hold […]
SAE’s Christmas Lights Almost Impressive Enough to Make You Forget About Those Sexual Assault Allegations
WESTWOOD – In a dazzling display of holiday cheer, UCLA’s chapter of Sigma Alpha Epsilon (SAE) recently put up a Christmas decor ensemble that almost made […]
Punk Band Totally Fine With No One Showing Up to Their Show. No Really, They Are.
WESTWOOD – Following a local house show this weekend, punk rock band Anarchist Tendencies denied feeling heartbroken despite the fact that no one showed up […]
National Crisis Averted By New National Crisis
WASHINGTON, D.C. – Last week, the United States experienced a tragic event that altered the lives of many and was covered by every news outlet […]
J.K. Rowling Announces on Twitter that John Wooden is Gay
WESTWOOD – Beloved fantasy author J.K. Rowling turned to Twitter this morning to announce that deceased UCLA basketball coach John Wooden is gay. “I’m so […]