Student Narrows Down Classmate’s Name To Two Possibilities

Graphic by Jay Varhula

WESTWOOD — This past Tuesday, local second-year Arty McStank excitedly reported that after much deliberation, he has narrowed down his classmate’s name to approximately two possibilities. “I’ve gotten to the point where we’re familiar enough that I can ask her for help on our homework, but on the flip side, we’re def past the point where I could be like, ‘Yo what was your name again?’ It’d just be a real bad look, jafeel me?” said McStank, hefting a tattered, drawstring UCLA New Student Orientation bag over his shoulder as he exited his English 4W classroom. “I’m 95% sure her name is either Beatrice or Kathy, but every time I convince myself it’s Beatrice, she’ll do or say something that’ll make me think, ‘Oh that’s a total Kathy move,’ and vice versa. Oh shit! Maybe it’s a combination of the two…Bathy? Yeah, that sounds about right — Bathy! Wait, here she comes, I’ll catch you later. Hey, Bathy! Did you get the homework?” called McStank, running down the hall. The student in question, Lauren Zellenberger, could not be reached for comment.