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Articles by Drew Muxlow

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About Drew Muxlow
“Last name ever, first name greatest. Like a sprained ankle boy ain’t nothing to play with.” -Maya Angelou

South Campus Closed After Inverted Fountain Demands Human Sacrifice

October 2, 2019 Drew Muxlow 0

WESTWOOD — Last Friday evening, several students reported that the inverted fountain was ceaselessly echoing an ominous incantation. Local fraternity member, Chet Charles, noticed it […]

Quirky Professor Asks For “Bueller” While Taking Attendance

May 6, 2019 Drew Muxlow 0

WESTWOOD — At 8:00 AM this morning, physics professor Dr. Gilbert Krenshaw made a reference to the movie Ferris Bueller’s Day Off while taking attendance by […]

BREAKING: UCLA Entrepreneur Bought Stocks

April 15, 2019 Drew Muxlow 0

WESTWOOD — Second-year business economics major Kevin Fisher was just reported to have “moved his assets” from his savings account into stocks. “I thought Kevin […]

Local Redditor Successfully Disproves God’s Existence

March 25, 2019 Drew Muxlow 0

WESTWOOD — Church attendance across the United States has completely halted after a local atheist, under the username “yungkarlm4rx420,” posted an anti-religious picture on Reddit. […]

White Freshman Takes Huge Risk With Ethnic-Sounding Entrée

December 19, 2018 Drew Muxlow 0

WESTWOOD — Yesterday evening, caucasian first-year Ezra Bloss got the Salvadorian pupusas at De Neve dining hall. “I’ve never felt more attacked in my life,” […]

Seven Cute Christmas Gift Ideas Inspired by Animal Crossing

December 19, 2018 Drew Muxlow 0

1. Crocheted Bell Bag — This gift idea is perfect for anyone who is short on cash, but has plenty of time and crocheting experience! […]

Kid In Suit Jacket Goes Entire Lecture Without Volunteering His Opinion

December 7, 2018 Drew Muxlow 0

WESTWOOD — Early Tuesday morning, suit jacket-clad business economics-major Greg Whitfield went a full two hours in his psychology class without stating his beliefs on […]

Huge Upset: Avengers Infinity War Outperforms Amy Schumer Movie

May 7, 2018 Drew Muxlow 0

HOLLYWOOD — Critics’ expectations were defied this week when Avengers: Infinity War brought in more money than Amy Schumer’s I Feel Pretty. “I’m extremely surprised […]

Helpful Gym Regular Corrects Newcomer’s Form

April 12, 2018 Drew Muxlow 0

WESTWOOD — Last night at B-Fit, freshman Rodney Caldwell was reportedly using the tricep machine without properly bending his knees, but business economics major Brock […]

Bruin Democrats Add Santa Claus To List Of White Supremacists

December 22, 2017 Drew Muxlow 0

WESTWOOD — In a club meeting this week, Bruin Democrats at UCLA unanimously agreed to add another name to their list of white supremacists: Santa […]

Posts pagination

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  • Someone glaring at another person standing in a corner at a party

    I Lived It: The Corner I Was Going To Stand In At The Party Got Taken

    As a Mysterious Fella, it’s important for me to have a nice corner to stand in at parties. There’s really nothing like holding a clammy […]

  • Report: White Woman Lowkey Doesn’t Mind The Patriarchy

    BEVERLY HILLS— Maddie Rose Miller, a fourth-year Sociology major, CorePower Yoga instructor, and aspiring luxury real estate agent, has recently reported feeling no ill-will towards […]

  • Opinion: No, I Will Not Pie You On Bruinwalk, Please Don’t Involve Me In Your Fetishes

    Just the other day, I was walking to campus, my fresh, virgin eyes bright and cheery, excited to see the world and all the glory […]

  • A white boy and Asian girl standing outside Marugame Udon

    White Boy With Asian Girlfriend Too Excited To Celebrate AAPI Month

    WESTWOOD — After making yet another joke about “sucking balls” while ordering boba, first-year Global Studies major Brayden Smith made an Instagram post where he […]

  • Embarrassing! Student Doesn’t Have Outfit For Victorian French Gothic Hyperpop Themed Fundrager

    WESTWOOD — This weekend, civil engineering freshman James Baeseck was humiliated as he failed to show up in theme to the unsustainable fashion club’s Victorian […]

Featured Authors

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Gabe McNeill
  • Opinion: No, I Will Not Pie You On Bruinwalk, Please Don’t Involve Me In Your Fetishes
  • Opinion: The Ackerman Third Floor Gay Cruising Space Should Be A Designated Cultural Heritage Site
  • Five Reasons Why I Didn’t Ruin The Vibe By Throwing Up In De Neve
Sam Rusk
  • Ashe Center To Offer Gender Affirming Computer Science Degrees
  • Local Centaur Divided Hot Dog Style
  • Time Flies: 2005 Baby Officially Queer Elder

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