Apathetic Parents Lukewarm For The Return Of Their Socialist Daughter

COLUMBUS, OH — Sources report that the Loofer family is unamused with the return of their socialist daughter and would prefer if freshman Lindsay Loofer and her revolutionist politics stay at school this Winter break. “Over the phone she’s always protesting FOX news, and if I even suggest we talk about the weather, she calls me an unavailing capitalist,” said father Ted Loofer, who maintains that “he didn’t raise no socialist,” and that Lindsay’s tantrums about insignificant matters are provoking his migraines.“I usually don’t care enough to have an opinion, but how could she say this house is not a safe space? Two weeks ago, we installed a brand new, state-of-the-art security system; it doesn’t get any safer than this!” With Lindsay’s arrival only hours away, the Loofers have decided to remain as apolitical as they have always been to avoid triggering what they now refer to as “their own nightmare before Christmas.”