College Student Wakes Up Early, Finds Out There Are More Hours In A Day
WESTWOOD—UCLA student James Lips set his alarm for the first time during his college career and found that, surprisingly, there are more hours in a […]
News in Briefs
Peeping Tom Catches Girl Shitting, Becomes Priest
LOS ANGELES, CA—The neighborhood “peeping tom,” Ernest Douglas, has bravely decided to change his lifestyle and become a priest after witnessing a woman violently shitting […]
USAC Passes Something, No One Cares
WESTWOOD—In an entirely unnoticed general meeting, USAC passed something. “This resolution is really going to help out the UCLA community,” said a general representative whose […]
Report: Dog Racist
LOS GATOS, CA—Local dog owner Elizabeth Juarez was stunned to learn her dog, an Australian Shepherd named Sandwich, is racist. “At first I thought he […]
Report: Fuck, It’s Bruin Day
WESTWOOD – Sources have reported that it’s Bruin Day. Fuck. “God, is that this weekend?” asked senior Jason Marcus. “Christ. It’s like, whoopdy-fucking-doo, you were […]
Oblivious Dance Marathon Participant Still Going Strong
WESTWOOD— Unaware that Dance Marathon ended four days ago, third-year communications student Tyler Durham is still up and on his feet dancing in Pauly Pavilion […]
Man Receives Prophecy From Different Gypsy Woman Than Usual
WESTWOOD–Local man Martin Thompson was surprised today when his daily prophecy was delivered to him by a different gypsy woman than usual. “Usually when I’m […]
That One Fucking Guy Raises Hand in Class Again
WESTWOOD–Claiming that this is the third or fourth time in class today and probably the tenth time this week, many students enrolled in 19th-Century American […]
Mom Wants To Know What Ever Happened To Jonathan From High School
OXNARD, CA—Sources report that earlier this week, your mom wanted to know what ever happened to Jonathan from high school. “He was such a nice […]
Roommate Still In Bathroom
WESTWOOD – Sources have confirmed that as of 8:22 this evening, your roommate was still in the bathroom. “It’s been almost ten minutes. Not that […]