WESTWOOD – Sources have reported that it’s Bruin Day. Fuck. “God, is that this weekend?” asked senior Jason Marcus. “Christ. It’s like, whoopdy-fucking-doo, you were admitted. We get it.” This year the annual UCLA event, in which newly admitted students and their parents crowd the campus, is scheduled for April 15, 2017 – Jesus, that’s today. “Son of a bitch, Bruin Day again?” said Ashley Nguyen, a Biology major. “Little bastards and their moms and dads are gonna be everywhere, all lost and shit, taking selfies with the stupid Bruin statue.” At press time, while dozens of fathers were sharing their own college stories without being asked to, at least 300 mothers in fanny packs were mispronouncing “Kerckhoff.”