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Life

Wow! Bill Murray Crashed This Lucky Fan’s Open-Heart Surgery!

October 15, 2020 Dylan Wood 0

CHICAGO—Comedy legend Bill Murray had people in stitches Tuesday morning when he made an unexpected appearance at Northwestern Memorial Hospital, crashing super-fan Rich Browning’s triple-bypass […]

Op-Ed: As A Student Athlete, I Only Break Quarantine To Slap My Friend’s Ass

October 14, 2020 Connor Marshall 0

I am a proud member of the UCLA basketball team, and I respect that COVID-19 is a serious threat to the community. I would never […]

Roommate Going To Finish Bananas This Time

October 6, 2020 Jay Varhula 0

WESTWOOD — After returning from Ralphs today at 12:30 p.m. PST, your roommate assured you that he is definitely going to finish the bananas he […]

Cal Develops Vaccine, Still Fails To Secure #1 Spot

October 5, 2020 Max Flora 0

BERKELEY — Researchers at the University of California, Berkeley developed a vaccine for the viral Covid-19 at 11 a.m. on Monday, and yet the university […]

Man Drinks The Fuck Out Of Glass Of Water

September 30, 2020 Jay Varhula 0

ENCINO, CA — The nation reeled Sunday afternoon after learning that area man Chis Peterson really just drank the fuck out of his glass of […]

Coronavirus Revealed To Be Hoax By Nintendo To Increase Animal Crossing Sales

April 24, 2020 Ben Robinow 0

KYOTO, JAPAN — Today, in a private interview with Enabler correspondents, Nintendo president Shuntaro Furukawa revealed that Nintendo orchestrated the Coronavirus pandemic to increase sales […]

Hands Touching Face Category Added To Pornhub

March 19, 2020 Hayden Wideman 0

LOS ANGELES — Due to the rapid spread of coronavirus, precautionary measures put in place to combat the virus have only highlighted the sensual nature […]

Local Huskies Speak Out Against Husky Guy: “We Don’t Know Him”

March 5, 2020 Jack Grossman 0

WESTWOOD — Students passing through Bruin Plaza Tuesday afternoon were met with an impromptu press conference held by a group of local huskies in an […]

Amazing! Study Finds Set Of Identical Twins Separated At Birth Both Suck

March 5, 2020 Yvonne Delzompo 0

JERSEY CITY, NJ — In a groundbreaking new study, a team of geneticists discovered that a set of identical twins, separated at birth, both grew […]

Dungeons And Dragons Game Disbanded For Problematic Focus On Race And Class

March 1, 2020 Jade Lacy 0

WESTWOOD — The UCLA Office of Equity, Diversity & Inclusion has officially shut down roleplaying club Bodacious Bards’ newest Dungeons and Dragons campaign after students […]

Posts pagination

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  • Opinion: Suck It, Pre-Meds! Now We’re All Going To Be Unemployed

    It finally happened. Despite being so against equity and inclusion, Trump finally did something to level the playing field between you pre-meds and us humanities, […]

  • Roommate Unable To Clean Dorm Because Floor Is Lava

    WESTWOOOD – In an emergency press conference inside your dorm today, your roommate announced they are unable to clean because the floor is lava. “I […]

  • Woke Mother Performs First Successful “Straight Conversion Therapy”

    WEST HOLLYWOOD — On Tuesday, local woke mother Dorothy McBeal celebrated the results of months of grueling treatment as her first and only child finally […]

  • two skeletons kissing in front of a rainbow pride flag

    Skeletons In Closet Come Out

  • Supreme Court Brings Back Three-Fifths Compromise

    WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a blockbuster 5⅗–2⅗ decision, the Supreme Court has ruled Section 2 of the 14th Amendment unconstitutional, effectively allowing states to declare […]

Featured Authors

mm
Georgia McNeill
  • Antisemitism Is Over! Trump Administration Cuts Funding From Cancer Research
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  • Opinion: No, I Will Not Pie You On Bruinwalk, Please Don’t Involve Me In Your Fetishes
Sam Rusk
  • Top 5 UCLA Study Spots If You Don’t Need Outlets, Wifi, Tables or Chairs
  • Ashe Center To Offer Gender Affirming Computer Science Degrees
  • Local Centaur Divided Hot Dog Style

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