Report: Whistleblower Not Actually Man Blowing Whistle
WASHINGTON, D.C — In light of President Donald Trump’s ongoing impeachment process, it has been brought to the attention of the general public that a […]
Life
Feminist Hero Comments “OMG!!!” On Female Acquaintance’s Instagram Photo
LOS ANGELES — In the name of advancing women’s equality, feminist hero Serena Colli commented “OMG!!!” on a female acquaintance’s photo. “I don’t even know […]
Teen “Born In The Wrong Generation” Would Have Been Totally Obliterated By Spanish Flu
BEVERLY HILLS — After watching the first half hour of The Great Gatsby, area teen KayeTee Collins declared that she was “born in the wrong […]
Australian Fire Update
In lieu of impending ecological collapse, UCLA continues to closely monitor the New South Wales Bushfires in accordance with the Australian government. There are currently […]
Seven Neat Ways To Actually MAKE Money This Holiday Season
Yes, it’s that time of year again! A time of joy and cheer, a time of love and family, and above all, a time of […]
Student Munches Lunch at Bunche
WESTWOOD — Imprudent third year theater student Daniel Dent munches crunchy lunch inside of Bunche. “I know it’s ambitious, and a bit suspicious, but my […]
Only Man In Gender Studies Class Raises Hand
WESTWOOD — In last Tuesday’s Introduction to Gender Studies discussion, Brock Price, a 6-foot tall football player, frat brother, and the only man in the […]
Op-Ed: SexyBack By Justin Timberlake Just Metaphor For Cold War
Yo, the name’s Justin Timberlake and I’m the creative genius behind the 2006 hit “SexyBack.” I’ve been called “the most talented artist of our generation,” […]
First-Year Debuts New Personality At Thanksgiving
MINNEAPOLIS — 19-year-old Thor Bjornson was spotted deplaning in sandals and a The Longest Summer t-shirt at Minneapolis-St.Paul International Airport on Wednesday night. “I’m stoked […]
Potential Employer Glad You Reached Out
LOS ANGELES — A potential employer called a press conference at 8:35 this morning to announce how glad they are that you reached out. “We […]