Molecular Sciences Building Explodes With Cure For Ligma Inside
WESTWOOD — In a red-hot BruinAlert sent out Thursday afternoon, UCLA announced that the Molecular Sciences Building has exploded, and with it, the cure for […]
Life
Punk’s Not Dead! Your 13-Year-Old Cousin Just Called You A Bitch
BEL-AIR — Your 13-year old cousin proved definitively that the spirit of punk is alive and well in the younger generation last Friday, when she […]
Ancestry.com Reveals Only Virgin In Family Lineage
WESTWOOD — Your Ancestry.com results revealed Tuesday that you are the only virgin in your family lineage. “Every single one of your direct ancestors were […]
Spineless Pushover Follows Traffic Guidelines
WESTWOOD — A shallow excuse for a man was seen blindly following traffic guidelines Wednesday in the greater Westwood area. “I just don’t want to […]
Enormous Activities Fair Threatened By Prospect Of Humongous Activities Fair
WESTWOOD — UCLA students and organizations alike were alarmed to learn Tuesday of a number of fliers found around campus advertising a “Humongous Activities Fair.” […]
Bruin Bash 2022 To Feature Literal Bashing
WESTWOOD — Amid widespread speculation over which artist will be headlining UCLA’s Bruin Bash, exciting information has come to light: the 2022 edition of the […]
CDC Drops 2nd C From Name
ATLANTA — Following a series of changes to their COVID-19 policies, the C.D.C. has declared that they will be dropping the second “C” from their […]
In-N-Out Burger To Replace Bible Verses On Wrappers With Shakespearean Insults
IRVINE — Billionaire owner and president of In-N-Out Burger, Lynsi Snyder, announced last Thursday that the wholesome Bible verses on their packaging will soon be […]
God Tried For Crimes Against Humanity
THE HAGUE — On Monday morning, the International Criminal Court began its trial of God for His lengthy history of crimes against humanity. God is […]
“Just Do It” And 4 Other Things To Say To Your Sweatshop Workers
Sweatshop workers not sweating enough? Don’t sweat it, because the Westwood Enabler has you covered with these original motivational lines! Never tell them that no […]