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Life

Opinion: I Listened To The Daily Once, And Now I Am Omniscient

June 7, 2023 Eric Rousso 0

Greetings, lesser one. It is I, your neighbor in POLSCI 30, here to inform you of my recent endeavors in the political sphere. Last night, […]

Old Guy Can Show You A Thing Or Two

June 5, 2023 Gabe McNeill 0

YOUR NEIGHBOR’S HOUSE — After you complained about the difficulties in your life, your neighbor and local old guy Rutherford McFiddlesticks explained that he may […]

Boelter Hall Plaza To Be Turned Into Rainforest Cafe

June 2, 2023 Emma Searing 0

WESTWOOD — After years of appearing only vaguely wild and jungle-like, the UCLA Samueli School of Engineering will finally be building a Rainforest Cafe in […]

Fifth-Year Continuing To Major In “Fundecided”

June 1, 2023 Uma Patil 0

WESTWOOD — Long-term student Brody Martin, currently enrolled in his fifteenth quarter, informed his counselor Monday that he is taking a lighter course load this […]

Botanical Garden Turtle Confesses: Your First Date Was Cringe

May 29, 2023 Dana Badii 0

Hey buddy. It’s me, Grog. Yeah, the little turtle by the bridge who saw you walking through the botanical gardens with your date. Oh, you […]

Unemployable Student Goes To Grad School

May 25, 2023 Gillian Smith 0

WESTWOOD — Fourth-year history major Elisa Lee, who has zero marketable skills or relevant work experience, has just announced her intention to go to graduate […]

“It’s Just Seasonal Depression,” Says Student During Spring Quarter

May 24, 2023 Sabrina Ellis 0

WESTWOOD — Fourth-year Primrose Miller claimed Monday that their depression is just seasonal, despite it being week eight of spring quarter. “I’m usually totally fine. […]

Republicans Propose “No Child Left Unshot” Plan

May 23, 2023 Gillian Smith 0

WASHINGTON D.C. — Seeking to expand on the “No Child Left Behind” educational program, Senate Republicans have rolled out “No Child Left Unshot.” “We think […]

Opinion: I Tried So Hard And Got So Far, But In The End Does It Even Matter?

May 18, 2023 Harry Song 0

It starts with one thing, and I just don’t know why. Sometimes, it doesn’t even matter how hard I try (keep in mind, I didn’t […]

UniBud Now Accepting ASUCLA Meal Tickets

May 17, 2023 Anastasia Vanderpool 0

WESTWOOD — ASUCLA announced last Sunday that it is partnering with UniBud to bring students all of their kushy needs, now accessible via their student […]

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  • Unemployable Student Goes To Grad School
  • Republicans Propose “No Child Left Unshot” Plan
  • Guy Holding Gene Block’s Voodoo Doll Ups Athletics Budget Again

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