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Life

Democrats Negotiate Stimulus Checks Down To $10 Starbucks Gift Card

February 24, 2021 Dylan Wood 0

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a press conference this morning, Senate Democrats announced that the long-awaited stimulus checks will take the form of a $10 Starbucks […]

Top 3 Ways Besides COVID to Kill Your Grandma This Thanksgiving

November 24, 2020 Kylie Kinne 0

Listen, we at the Westwood Enabler get it — you want to travel home to your family for Thanksgiving dinner this year. You probably miss […]

Respectful Fourth-Year Only Dates First-Years 18 Or Older

November 10, 2020 Max Flora 0

WESTWOOD — According to a source close to him, fourth-year biology major Josh Winfrey has chosen to respect the women at UCLA and only date […]

Area Man Enters Hour Three of Describing Music Taste

November 2, 2020 Jade Lacy 0

WESTWOOD — Third-year film student Doug Babcock has been filibustering a real conversation for three hours now, after an acquaintance made the mistake of asking […]

Daddy LongLegs Divorces Mommy LongLegs

October 29, 2020 Analisa Burns 0

ITSY BITSY WEB, CA — After almost four months of marriage, Daddy LongLegs is filing for divorce, citing Mommy LongLegs’ condescending tone and her attempts […]

Obituary: The Fly That Landed On Pence’s Head

October 26, 2020 Jessica Block 0

“The brightest stars burn the shortest, and also flies just don’t live that long” – UC Davis entomologist, Steve Nadler. 2020 takes another. The fly […]

Rudy Giuliani Still Waiting On Text From Maria Bakalova

October 26, 2020 Max Flora 0

WASHINGTON, D.C. — After his encounter with actress Maria Bakalova in Borat Subsequent Moviefilm, attorney Rudy Giuliani is still waiting for her to reach out […]

Social Bubble Expands To All Of Westwood

October 23, 2020 Jade Lacy 0

WESTWOOD — After gradually growing over the past several months through totally socially distanced picnics, parties and date nights, one social bubble has finally expanded […]

Leaves Beginning To Change In California

October 20, 2020 Jade Lacy 0

LOS ANGELES — California residents are going out in droves to witness the changing of leaves from green to red to ash, enjoying the telltale […]

BREAKING: Grandma Downloaded TikTok

October 19, 2020 Jade Lacy 0

DALLAS — Local senior citizen Dolly Berkshire amassed one million followers on TikTok Friday morning, a milestone she has been approaching since her video dancing […]

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