KYOTO, JAPAN — Today, in a private interview with Enabler correspondents, Nintendo president Shuntaro Furukawa revealed that Nintendo orchestrated the Coronavirus pandemic to increase sales of their newest title, Animal Crossing: New Horizons. “We thought that an environment without any form of social interaction or daily life would encourage players to really invest time in Animal Crossing and desperately grasp onto the serene world we’ve created,” the executive stated while forcibly removing villagers from his island because they were ugly. “When we heard about the outbreak of COVID-19 in Wuhan, we knew we had to seize this opportunity, so we’ve successfully created a worldwide panic. Now our game is a hit! We’re so humbled that our game has helped people get through these tough times that we’ve fabricated.” At press time, Furukawa stated that he didn’t understand why people weren’t happy with this campaign, as he doesn’t see it as any different than when Nintendo executed the September 11th attacks to increase sales of the first Animal Crossing in 2001.
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Ben is a first-year ecology, behavior, and evolution major who is merely a vessel for a being whose true form your puny mortal brain could not begin to fathom. He enjoys his days on earth, and hopes that you do too, as they are numbered.