Amazing! Study Finds Set Of Identical Twins Separated At Birth Both Suck

Graphic by Isaiah Little

JERSEY CITY, NJ — In a groundbreaking new study, a team of geneticists discovered that a set of identical twins, separated at birth, both grew up to be subpar men with eerily similar affinities for sucking. “Are you messin’ with me? Get outta town!” and, “Am I on a prank show right now?!” responded twins, Vinny and Ralph, respectively, to the news that the study was being led by a female scientist. “I never thought I could love another man. Then I met Ralphy. Now, he’s almost like a brother to me,” Vinny said, in reference to his literal brother, as his son watched wistfully from inside the confines of their family minivan. At press time, Vinny and Ralph were spotted pawning their wedding rings in exchange for matching gold chains and toupées after their wives left them.