Optimistic Area Man Thinks He’ll Get The Friends In Breakup
SACRAMENTO — Local man and former girlfriend-haver James Jobs shocked acquaintances and family on Friday with his announcement that he will retain his and his […]
Life
Rapper Drake Gets Stuck In Tree, Saved By Firefighters
THE SIX — Rap superstar Aubrey “Drake” Graham was rescued from an 8 foot tall tree in Toronto’s High Park Thursday afternoon by the Toronto […]
Frats Scramble To Start “One Tree For Every Nude” Trend On Instagram
WESTWOOD — In light of the recent trend on Instagram where users share one pet picture in exchange for one tree planted, UCLA’s fraternities have […]
Hentai Enthusiasts Sue “Squid Game” Creators For False Advertisement
LOS ANGELES — In a suit filed Monday, fans of the Japanese art form known as “hentai” alleged that streaming company Netflix had engaged in […]
COVID Test Vending Machine Just Wants To Be Spit On
WESTWOOD — The COVID test vending machine located behind Haines Hall recently spoke out about its need to be spit on. “Many have tried to […]
Opinion: Your Sleeping Roommate Doesn’t Matter
You’ve woken up bright and early. 7:50 am on a Tuesday. You cast a glance at your smug roommate in their fortress of fluff. A […]
Kyrsten Sinema And Mitt Romney Get To Second Base On Senate Floor
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Sens. Sinema and Romney engaged in a bout of heavy petting and excessive tonguing on the Chamber floor after working together to […]
You Win Some, You Lose Some: The Dog That Was Elected Mayor Of A Small Town Was Just Pancaked By A Cement Mixer
HUCKLEBERRY GROVE, KY — Amid the drama of last year’s election, the people of Huckleberry Grove made headlines across the nation when they elected a […]
Professor Denied Tenure After Falling For Student’s Ligma Joke
WESTWOOD — Henry Bones, assistant professor within UCLA’s anthropology department, was denied tenure this weekend after a student got him so good with a “ligma” […]
Students, Demons Look Forward To Halloweekend
WESTWOOD — As the three day partying event known colloquially as “Halloweekend” approaches, students and the demonic creatures that lurk in the back of their […]