From “Ick” To “Sick”: The Guy You Were Planning On Ghosting Just Gave You Chlamydia
WESTWOOD — Second-year communications major and amateur juggler Mike Rowe Dong is reported to have given you chlamydia after a night of passionless sex. Your […]
Health
An Apple A Day Defends You From Your Doctor
TRANSYLVANIA — Recent studies have revealed that doctors are repelled by apples—a fact that the doctor hunters of Transylvania have known for years. “Apples have […]
Opinion: Bring Back Plastic Straws Because I Hate Turtles And Want To Kill Them
Ever since California introduced paper straws in 2019, I have been unable to harm turtle populations at my previous capacity. Back when plastic straws were […]
UCLA To Offer Off Campus Meal Plan For Those “Willing To Pay The Price”
WESTWOOD — Late, late last night, Frank Ghoulish, UCLA Viceroy of Meals and Eating, announced that the 2022-23 school year would see the return of […]
Opinion: The Roebling Block Party Is Needlessly Destructive. Also, I Wasn’t Invited.
WESTWOOD — Students set private property ablaze Thursday night at the quarterly Roebling block party, disturbing the peace for Westwood residents trying to get ahead […]
Students Near Molecular Sciences Building Develop Superpowers
WESTWOOD— Following reports yesterday of an environmental hazard at the Molecular Sciences Building, students exposed at the scene have developed superpowers. “Next time I take […]
Molecular Sciences Building Explodes With Cure For Ligma Inside
WESTWOOD — In a red-hot BruinAlert sent out Thursday afternoon, UCLA announced that the Molecular Sciences Building has exploded, and with it, the cure for […]
Ancestry.com Reveals Only Virgin In Family Lineage
WESTWOOD — Your Ancestry.com results revealed Tuesday that you are the only virgin in your family lineage. “Every single one of your direct ancestors were […]
Lack Of Strict Adherence To Move-In Time Now Punishable By Death
WESTWOOD — The UCLA Housing community was rocked by a major policy change Saturday, when students arriving for move-in outside of their designated appointment times […]
Elizabeth II Also Struggling With Unexpected Heat Wave
HELL— Following unusually high temperatures across California this week, word has come in from Balmoral Castle in Scotland today that Queen Elizabeth II is also […]