4 Out Of 5 Dentists Say You Should Break Up
CAMBRIDGE — A recent study done by MIT analysts has found that four out of five dentists say you should break up with your good-for-nothing […]
Tragedy
Opinion: I Was Going To Make A Will Smith Joke, But I Am Afraid
Hi all, I hope we are all aware of what transpired on Sunday, March 27th at the Dolby Theatre. It was a night that will […]
Christopher Nolan Nukes UCLA For 5-Second “Oppenheimer” Shot
WESTWOOD — In what has now become a mass-casualty event, Christopher Nolan has nuked the UCLA campus for a 5-second B-reel scene in his new […]
Facebook Rant Strikes Perfect Balance Between “1984” References And Holocaust Comparisons
HUNTINGTON BEACH, CA — Herb Matthew reached the pinnacle of his Facebook career Tuesday, after his latest rant struck the perfect balance between references to […]
Chick-Fil-A Promises To Donate Half Of Employees’ Wages To LGBT Charities
COLLEGE PARK, GA — In a groundbreaking win for LGBT rights, Chick-Fil-A has announced its decision to donate half of its employees’ hourly wages to […]
Abstract Painting Not All That Impressed By You Either
LOS ANGELES — Sources told the Enabler Tuesday that the abstract painting you saw wasn’t all that impressed by you either. “Yeah, my four-year-old could […]
Good News! Ashe Appointment Available December 2022
WESTWOOD — On her fifth call to the Ashe Center, second-year Natalie Johnson was able to secure a primary care appointment for December 2022. “I’m […]
Congress Declares Nuclear War On Climate Change
WASHINGTON — In an unprecedented bipartisan move, both the Senate and the House of Representatives unanimously voted Wednesday in favor of declaring nuclear war against […]
Solar System Tired Of Planning Student’s Next Downward Spiral
MILKY WAY — The solar system announced Saturday that it had really had enough of planning third-year psychology major Natalie Jones’s next downward spiral. “People […]
Report: Male Pattern Baldness Also Extends To Pubes
SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA — A recent report found that 70% of balding men also reported hair loss in the pubic region. “For a lot of us, […]