Mom Who Gave You Eating Disorder Has No Idea Why Everyone In Therapy These Days
LOS ANGELES — On Saturday evening, your mother who definitely gave you an eating disorder announced her disbelief at the number of your friends who […]
Tragedy
Top 5 Places To Get An Abortion When Your Human Rights Are Treated Like A Luxury
Following recent news that the Supreme Court will likely overturn Roe v. Wade, we have curated a list of five places to get an abortion […]
4 Out Of 5 Dentists Say You Should Break Up
CAMBRIDGE — A recent study done by MIT analysts has found that four out of five dentists say you should break up with your good-for-nothing […]
Opinion: I Was Going To Make A Will Smith Joke, But I Am Afraid
Hi all, I hope we are all aware of what transpired on Sunday, March 27th at the Dolby Theatre. It was a night that will […]
Christopher Nolan Nukes UCLA For 5-Second “Oppenheimer” Shot
WESTWOOD — In what has now become a mass-casualty event, Christopher Nolan has nuked the UCLA campus for a 5-second B-reel scene in his new […]
Facebook Rant Strikes Perfect Balance Between “1984” References And Holocaust Comparisons
HUNTINGTON BEACH, CA — Herb Matthew reached the pinnacle of his Facebook career Tuesday, after his latest rant struck the perfect balance between references to […]
Chick-Fil-A Promises To Donate Half Of Employees’ Wages To LGBT Charities
COLLEGE PARK, GA — In a groundbreaking win for LGBT rights, Chick-Fil-A has announced its decision to donate half of its employees’ hourly wages to […]
“PU!” And 3 Other Things Not To Say To Your Grandma At Her Wake
There’s a fine line between witty and worrisome at important events such as the wake of your grandmother, so here are four things not to […]
Abstract Painting Not All That Impressed By You Either
LOS ANGELES — Sources told the Enabler Tuesday that the abstract painting you saw wasn’t all that impressed by you either. “Yeah, my four-year-old could […]
Good News! Ashe Appointment Available December 2022
WESTWOOD — On her fifth call to the Ashe Center, second-year Natalie Johnson was able to secure a primary care appointment for December 2022. “I’m […]