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Tragedy

Mom Who Gave You Eating Disorder Has No Idea Why Everyone In Therapy These Days

May 10, 2022 Tatiana Davidson 0

LOS ANGELES — On Saturday evening, your mother who definitely gave you an eating disorder announced her disbelief at the number of your friends who […]

Top 5 Places To Get An Abortion When Your Human Rights Are Treated Like A Luxury

May 3, 2022 Tatiana Davidson 0

Following recent news that the Supreme Court will likely overturn Roe v. Wade, we have curated a list of five places to get an abortion […]

4 Out Of 5 Dentists Say You Should Break Up

April 5, 2022 Gillian Smith 0

CAMBRIDGE — A recent study done by MIT analysts has found that four out of five dentists say you should break up with your good-for-nothing […]

Opinion: I Was Going To Make A Will Smith Joke, But I Am Afraid

March 29, 2022 Billie Chang 0

Hi all, I hope we are all aware of what transpired on Sunday, March 27th at the Dolby Theatre. It was a night that will […]

Christopher Nolan Nukes UCLA For 5-Second “Oppenheimer” Shot

March 8, 2022 Milo Ellison 0

WESTWOOD — In what has now become a mass-casualty event, Christopher Nolan has nuked the UCLA campus for a 5-second B-reel scene in his new […]

Facebook Rant Strikes Perfect Balance Between “1984” References And Holocaust Comparisons

February 8, 2022 Gabby Bromberg 0

HUNTINGTON BEACH, CA — Herb Matthew reached the pinnacle of his Facebook career Tuesday, after his latest rant struck the perfect balance between references to […]

Chick-Fil-A Promises To Donate Half Of Employees’ Wages To LGBT Charities

January 25, 2022 Gillian Smith 0

COLLEGE PARK, GA — In a groundbreaking win for LGBT rights, Chick-Fil-A has announced its decision to donate half of its employees’ hourly wages to […]

“PU!” And 3 Other Things Not To Say To Your Grandma At Her Wake

January 11, 2022 Lily Kiamanesh 0

There’s a fine line between witty and worrisome at important events such as the wake of your grandmother, so here are four things not to […]

Abstract Painting Not All That Impressed By You Either

January 3, 2022 Brandon Wang 0

LOS ANGELES — Sources told the Enabler Tuesday that the abstract painting you saw wasn’t all that impressed by you either. “Yeah, my four-year-old could […]

Good News! Ashe Appointment Available December 2022

December 27, 2021 Gabby Bromberg 0

WESTWOOD — On her fifth call to the Ashe Center, second-year Natalie Johnson was able to secure a primary care appointment for December 2022. “I’m […]

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Lily Kiamanesh
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  • “PU!” And 3 Other Things Not To Say To Your Grandma At Her Wake
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