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Tragedy

Mall cop

Paul Blart’s Brutal Body Cam Footage Finally Declassified

June 12, 2024 Tatiana Davidson 0

WASHINGTON, D.C. — On Friday, the United States Department of Justice finally declassified Paul Blart’s body cam footage following years of litigation. “Our buddy Paul […]

Opinion: Final Exams Are Biased Against People With Tiny Bladders And Rectums

June 10, 2024 Harry Song 0

Yes, I’m a human. Yes, I pee and poo and shit and even fart. So why is this being held against me when it comes […]

Student animorphing into a squirrel.

Opinion: EEEEEEEK!

May 22, 2024 Jaden Weinstein 0

GEt it off Get it off! I thINK it BIT ME!!!! All I did was make the squeaky noise so it would look at me, […]

Generous UCLA Admin Gives Week Off For Students To Process Drake-Kendrick Feud

May 8, 2024 Maya Chatrathi 0

WESTWOOD — In a move that exemplifies the generosity and kindness they are known for, the UCLA administration announced on Monday that they would give […]

UCLA Admin Release Bruin-Bear Spray

May 3, 2024 Sabrina Ellis 0

Carrot Man Eaten By Easter Bunny, Rises Again Three Days Later

April 3, 2024 Josh Dittrich 0

WESTWOOD — After being eaten by the Easter Bunny on Sunday, Westwood icon Carrot Man rose again three days later with an even larger carrot […]

Biden Administration Demands Ceasefire In Gaza: “But It’s Chill If Not No Worries”

March 13, 2024 Anonymous 0

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following an announcement from Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu that the attack on Rafah would proceed despite international pressure, the Biden administration […]

Person wearing jansport backpack

What Your Backpack Says About You, Including When And Where You Enjoy Your Last Breath

March 6, 2024 Jaden Weinstein 0

A student’s choice of backpack arguably decides the path they take for the rest of their miserable life. What you pick to stow your laptop […]

Student Caught Taking Banana Out Of BPlate Fatally Shot

February 28, 2024 Anonymous 0

WESTWOOD — Following changes in UCLA dining policy, second-year physiological science major Hannah Dunham was fatally shot Tuesday after being caught smuggling a banana out […]

Poor pledge...

Pledge Comes Clean: ‘Hazing Made Me A Better Person’

February 20, 2024 Sidney Muntean 0

WESTWOOD — While some may join a fraternity for camaraderie, school spirit, or alcohol, first-year Business Economics major Chad Sookmidic has disclosed that hazing is […]

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  • Man standing in a mirror maze, pointing to reflections of himself. He looks very bewildered.

    Other Idiots in Mirror Maze Going The Wrong Way

    HELL — Following a trip to the local mirror maze, resident genius Leon Noel scoffed at all the morons in there going the wrong direction. […]

  • Julio Frenk’s “Listening Exercise” Is Cuck Play Where He Listens To Me And My Lover Through The Door

    Dear Bruin Community: Since Julio began his listening exercise in February, I have met with 29 men and women, and more than 5,000 non-binary baristas, […]

  • Idiot Moron Claps At Poetry Reading

    WESTWOOD — This morning, fourth-year American literature and culture major Emily Yonicson humiliated herself and her family as she clapped, not snapped, at a local […]

  • Heartbreaking! Invisible Lesbian Unable To Celebrate Lesbian Visibility Week

    WESTWOOD — After attempting to participate in the LGBTQ Campus Resource Center’s event for Lesbian Visibility Week, one lesbian was deeply disappointed by the center’s […]

  • “Sperm Racing” Event to Take Place in Communal Bathroom Shower Stall

Featured Authors

mm
Gabe McNeill
  • Opinion: They Should Let The New Pope Have Gay Sex Once So He Can See If It Should Still Be Banned Or Not
  • Other Idiots in Mirror Maze Going The Wrong Way
  • Report: Straightest Woman You Know Won’t Stop Calling Boyfriend “Fruity”
Sam Rusk
  • Ashe Center To Offer Gender Affirming Computer Science Degrees
  • Local Centaur Divided Hot Dog Style
  • Time Flies: 2005 Baby Officially Queer Elder

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