Paul Blart’s Brutal Body Cam Footage Finally Declassified
WASHINGTON, D.C. — On Friday, the United States Department of Justice finally declassified Paul Blart’s body cam footage following years of litigation. “Our buddy Paul […]
Tragedy
Opinion: Final Exams Are Biased Against People With Tiny Bladders And Rectums
Yes, I’m a human. Yes, I pee and poo and shit and even fart. So why is this being held against me when it comes […]
Opinion: EEEEEEEK!
GEt it off Get it off! I thINK it BIT ME!!!! All I did was make the squeaky noise so it would look at me, […]
Generous UCLA Admin Gives Week Off For Students To Process Drake-Kendrick Feud
WESTWOOD — In a move that exemplifies the generosity and kindness they are known for, the UCLA administration announced on Monday that they would give […]
Carrot Man Eaten By Easter Bunny, Rises Again Three Days Later
WESTWOOD — After being eaten by the Easter Bunny on Sunday, Westwood icon Carrot Man rose again three days later with an even larger carrot […]
Biden Administration Demands Ceasefire In Gaza: “But It’s Chill If Not No Worries”
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following an announcement from Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu that the attack on Rafah would proceed despite international pressure, the Biden administration […]
What Your Backpack Says About You, Including When And Where You Enjoy Your Last Breath
A student’s choice of backpack arguably decides the path they take for the rest of their miserable life. What you pick to stow your laptop […]
Student Caught Taking Banana Out Of BPlate Fatally Shot
WESTWOOD — Following changes in UCLA dining policy, second-year physiological science major Hannah Dunham was fatally shot Tuesday after being caught smuggling a banana out […]
Pledge Comes Clean: ‘Hazing Made Me A Better Person’
WESTWOOD — While some may join a fraternity for camaraderie, school spirit, or alcohol, first-year Business Economics major Chad Sookmidic has disclosed that hazing is […]