I hope we are all aware of what transpired on Sunday, March 27th at the Dolby Theatre. It was a night that will be spoken about forever. But not by us.
I know my position as a staff writer on a satirical magazine warrants me to make jokes. And I do! Don’t get me wrong. I love making jokes (that are all in good fun, I swear!). But I regret to inform you readers that at this time, I sadly cannot. Here are the reasons why:
1. I have never taken a self defense class in my life.
I know, I know. I should really get on that. But right now – in my current physicality – if Will Smith were to slap me, I would crumble. Trust me. When I go to the gym, I just use the elliptical. What does a weight feel like? I couldn’t tell you.
2. I’m a scared-y cat.
I am scared of a lot of things. Planes, birds (the animal), birds (the electric scooter), heights, spiders, when the clown that lives next door knocks on my bedroom window once darkness falls, and the ocean. Oh, I am also scared of Will Smith. If that wasn’t clear.
3. The only movie I’ve seen starring Will Smith is Ali.
(But Will, if you’re reading this, I’m totally lying. I’ve seen all your movies – cross my heart! Don’t be mad, Will. Please.)
4. I cry a lot.
This is just a fact and a chance for you to get to know me better.
5. Will Smith knows what I look like.
I am not just a faceless entity. At least, not to Will Smith. He could find me if he really wanted to. This is because one time, when I was ten, I met Will Smith at the next-town-over’s Walmart in the toilet paper section. He was buying toilet paper. I think it was Charmin Ultra-Soft. Actually, it definitely was Charmin Ultra-Soft. I did not know who he was at the time (sorry!), but my mom made me take a picture with said Smith anyways. That was nine years ago. I know you still remember that moment, Will. As do I.
Just to be totally transparent, this message itself is not a joke. Please, Will Smith. This is NOT a joke. I know it sounds like it is, but this is the most serious I have ever been. Again, to Will Carroll Smith Jr. and to Will Carroll Smith Jr. only, THIS IS NOT A JOKE.
A scared little writer from the Westwood Enabler