Quarter System To Become Dollar System Due To Inflation
WESTWOOD — An email was sent to the Bruin community late last night, in which it was announced that the quarter system would be renamed […]
TERF Celebrates Womanhood By Taking Period Dump
LONDON — Transphobic, self-proclaimed feminist Flatulence F. Fanny gave a speech at a rally Thursday, in which she tied her female identity to pooping on […]
POC Ally Alert! White Man Only Dates Asian Women
SAN DIEGO — Marginalized communities across the nation praised white man Evan Schmidt this Wednesday for his radical choice to exclusively date Asian women. “I’ve […]
Gaslighting Boyfriend Correctly Describes Brain As “All in Your Head”
WESTWOOD — On Thursday evening, local gaslighting boyfriend Jayson “what’s ur snap?” Jones correctly described his girlfriend’s brain as “all in her head.” “Nothing you […]
Religious Scholars Discover Jesus Had a Balayage
VATICAN CITY — On Monday morning, the world’s leading religious scholars announced that Jesus actually had a balayage, contrary to their earlier reports that he […]
New UCLA Course On How to Enroll In Courses Fast Enough Locked Immediately
WESTWOOD — Students wiped away tears of joy today as they broke out their laptops and logged into their MyUCLA accounts, waiting for their enrollment […]
Local Woman Finally Decides To Settle Down And Adopt A Highway
THE 101 — In an inspiring story out of Los Angeles, 32-year-old feminist Simone Hedrick has made the brave decision to finally settle down and […]
Pinocchio Discovers Real World, No Longer Wants To Be Real Boy
TUSCANY — Pinocchio, despite his lifelong wish to become a real boy, has announced he rescinds his statement and would like to become a wooden […]
Opinion: How Can I Help The Homeless If They Don’t Have Venmo?
Yesterday, I was walking back to campus after enjoying a delicious $15 salad at Tendergreens when a homeless man looked right into my eyes and […]
Diversity Gone Mad: Blue Man Group Brings On White Guy
LAS VEGAS— After 35 years of an all-blue cast, the Blue Man Group has decided to unveil their first white member, Brian. “I’m excited to […]