Religious Scholars Discover Jesus Had a Balayage

VATICAN CITY — On Monday morning, the world’s leading religious scholars announced that Jesus actually had a balayage, contrary to their earlier reports that he had full highlights. “While we once thought our Lord and Savior rocked a full head of honey blonde highlights, it has come to our attention that he in reality had a tasteful balayage with both burnt caramel and light coffee tints,” said the Pope with his hair drenched in dye. “The nuns have been saying this for hundreds of years, but since women are by nature liars, we didn’t believe them. That was until one of our cardinals repeated what the nuns said in a slightly louder voice.” At press time, the cardinals could be seen discovering Martin Luther’s 96th thesis, in which he actually discussed Christ’s balayage in pretty good detail.

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Putin's second least favorite Jewish comedian.