“Just Do It” And 4 Other Things To Say To Your Sweatshop Workers
Sweatshop workers not sweating enough? Don’t sweat it, because the Westwood Enabler has you covered with these original motivational lines! Never tell them that no […]
Ancient Memo Reveals All Greek Sculptures Just Wank Bank Material
ATHENS — A groundbreaking archeological dig revealed Monday that all ancient Greek sculptures were created with the sole purpose of providing convenient visual stimuli to […]
In Her Flop Era? This Woman Has No Bones
LOS ANGELES — Lifestyle content creator Emily Nariko announced on Instagram last week that, following the mysterious disappearance of all of her bones, she is […]
New Off-Campus Housing Options Include Westwood Target LEGO Aisle
WESTWOOD — Upperclassmen, no need to fret! You can expect to make the Westwood Target LEGO aisle a potential new home next year, according to […]
iOS Update Includes Separate Notes App For Social Media Apologies
CUPERTINO — With the rollout of the iOS 16 beta underway, iPhone users may be surprised to find a new addition to their home screens: […]
New Study Reveals All
WESTWOOD — A new study from UCLA has revealed the intimate, juicy details of her life in an exclusive tell-all interview with the Enabler. “You […]
We Gave A Monkey A Typewriter And This Is What We Got:
b bbbb buhbuhbuhbuhuuhh;i;aio;i;al;k’;a aikl;aiodifni;nabn;aeuhfiaeb alltheaorld’sastageandallthemenandwomenmerelyplyers spacebarspacebarspacebarspacebar I found the spacebar. All the world’s a stage, And all the men and women merely players; They have […]
Quarter System To Become Dollar System Due To Inflation
WESTWOOD — An email was sent to the Bruin community late last night, in which it was announced that the quarter system would be renamed […]
TERF Celebrates Womanhood By Taking Period Dump
LONDON — Transphobic, self-proclaimed feminist Flatulence F. Fanny gave a speech at a rally Thursday, in which she tied her female identity to pooping on […]
POC Ally Alert! White Man Only Dates Asian Women
SAN DIEGO — Marginalized communities across the nation praised white man Evan Schmidt this Wednesday for his radical choice to exclusively date Asian women. “I’ve […]