Opinion: What If Your Vape Wants to Hit You?
“PASS ME THE VAPE.” “BRUH, LET ME HIT THAT.” “YO CAN I TAKE A HIT?” You may have not said these words, but I’m willing […]
Competitive Parents Disappointed Their Five Year Old Has Never Shot Anyone
NEWPORT NEWS, VA— In light of the recent shooting of a teacher by her six-year-old student, local helicopter parents Bill and Mary Jones were disappointed […]
Frank Ocean Overworked From Coachella Set, Announces Next 7 Year Hiatus
INDIO — After canceling his Coachella Weekend 2 set, Frank Ocean announced that he would be stepping away from the public eye for another 7 […]
Psych Major Offended At Suggestion Of Therapy
WESTWOOD – Although therapy is growing in popularity, a stigma still exists, and third-year psychology major Nellie Robinson is no exception. “Can you believe my […]
If You’re Reading This, You’re Probably Illiterate
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Jesus Oversleeps, Says Six More Weeks Until Easter
JERUSALEM — After failing to make an expected appearance on Easter Sunday, Jesus Christ of Nazareth announced this morning that Easter will not happen until […]
Timothée Chalamet Tells The Enabler Why He’s Dating Kylie Jenner
“Life is short, youth is fleeting, death comes for us all.”
“Radioactive” And 4 More Songs To Add To Your Gaming And/Or Sex Playlist
Hey guys, Harry from the Enabler here. If there are two things I was put into this world for, it’s video games and sex. After […]
The Westwood Enabler’s Advice For Freshmen
It’s Bruin Day, and campus is filled with prospective students considering their future at UCLA. If you do decide to go blue and gold, here […]
Hobbes Eats Calvin
CHAGRIN FALLS, OH.— Cartoonist Bill Watterson announced today that six-year-old cartoon star Calvin has been eaten by his tiger Hobbes. “Bet you thought my anthropomorphism […]